October-November Wrap. Stop Complaining.

These 2 months were hellish. Started teaching regularly, I dropped my research altogether, almost did nothing except reading some self-supervised papers and fixing my own paper (it is just rubbish, I'm not proud of it). I don't really remember what I did in October beside that I was officially moved to another campus.

Speaking of the new campus, it is so quiet, not so many people there and the room is smaller. On the flipside, I got my own cubical, thus I can flexibly put my own stuffs and possibly sleep whenever I want to without getting anxious if someone is coming. The truth is that many of us take a short nap. Such a good workplace.

October, unremarkable.

Then November came and there they come. The mid-term exam in my campus where I work at starts in November and you know what, I started to realize that maybe this is the time for me to resume my research. In addition, they suddenly dropped the bomb. I had to teach for 4 hours at a private high-school which luckily was online, be the moderator of a local conference parallel session, presented my paper, and came to the campus during the weekend because I was one of the competition committee. Fuck it.

Well, I don't want to complain too much about it. Complaining doesn't change anything. I can disagree all the way but I choose just to stay put. About working, I started to think that this is a general thing that happens everywhere. You do what you are tasked for and that's it. I don't think that I am obliged to do more than that simply because there is no use. Better do it for my personal gain.

After the exam, came the scoring session. I'm currently teaching three classes, most of them are doing okay although I always feel like I am not teaching them the way I should. Hahahaha, but who cares? The students only care about their score anyway. Fortunately, the exam was a take-home type so they got their time to browse the internet and copy other's work, which are virtually impossible had they done it onsite like it used to.

Anyway, I don't find any point in giving the students bad grades unless they submit nothing or show no effort in their answer. 

Lost all the contacts in my Line account mid-November since I logged in to an emulator using the same email and phone number and voila. All of the contacts are gone. Lucky that some of my Japanese friends are on instagram so that when I posted that, some of them re-added my account. You know, the first one who added me back was my college friend who is currently working in SG. The second one was her who I guess has my phone number. Then followed by one girl I met near my graduation when I was in Japan. Then my Japanese crush added my account back. Following that, another previous lab-mate added me back and add my account to the group where all the alumni are in.

Lately, I have developed an interest in philosophy. The wisdom of the humankind throughout the centuries written by philosophers, bibles, and the prophets. Somewhat it makes me think and re-evaluate the things I want to achieve, asking myself what am I currently doing and repurpose my life. 

Remember All The Good Things

Coming back here with all these shits I've been going through makes me realize one thing; Humility. Learning to be humble may take time. My ideals such as having a good job, freedom, surrounded by good and smart people, supportive environment, clean air, etc. are all crushed. I feel like my dream, the things I have been fighting for are taken right before my eyes. 

I don't hate the place I am working at right now. I am grateful to be able to get a job at this moment. But compared to the things I've lost, sometimes it is underwhelming. I lost a lot of things, but when I think deeply about it, I am actually saved. I am saved from the hellish PhD in my lab, which will most likely caused by my supervisor that in turn risking my life-savings only to prolonging my study. I also realized how stupid I was that I didn't take that free Japanese course, simply because I thought working there must be hard and unbearable. Even though it may be true, I am now being jealous looking at the people who made it with their Jp language skill.

But hey, what's done is done. There is no turning back. 

Looking back to 2017, the depression I had, the betrayal, the scholarship journey, and I realized what God did. God took her away since she is not the one, so that I can focus on myself. So that I stopped relying on her instead of Him. My mom prayed, I prayed, and thus I got the scholarship and the best place I've ever been. Although in the end I was the one who betrayed God, I was the one who broke my promise to God, and now I shall face the consequence.

"If He helped you, He can help you again.". That's the words I heard from some gospel talk. But I believe one more thing, I need to go back to Him and committed to not leaving God anymore throughout my life. I am nothing without Him. I am just a mere human.

Pursuing PhD, I have the plan, but I am still afraid. Not to mention that even if I got the scholarship and graduated within 3 years, I have no idea what to do with my life. I am sure I don't want to go back here, but I am not sure about what's out there either.

Being a lecturer here really drains me. I don't like the system. I have no problem teaching, but to conduct a good research, it is not easy if I have to do other things at once.

The Generation Gap

Time flies, huh. This month is my first time teaching online. Although it is held online due to the pandemic situation, I think I learned a lot. There are things that make me rethink the way I should deliver the materials, etc.

The first one is that GENERATION GAP IS REAL. Damn it. So basically I graduated from this university in 2016, meaning that I was just over 21. Now it is 2021 which means those kids are probably born around 2005. Hell, I can't communicate with them properly. Not that I can communicate to my peers smoothly either. But this sucks. One lecturer that taught my class in my second year back then just finished his PhD in Korea and probably he will come back here soon.

I noticed that I lost my weight again. Currently I weighed 68.7kg from around 71kg back when I was in my parent's house. I lost my weight extremely when I returned from Japan. Normally I weighed around 75kg, but back then it was only 69kg.

A year ago, during the graduation ceremony, a labmate gave me a folding umbrella as the graduation gift. It is the one with auto-shut mechanism which let you shut the umbrella only with a push of a button on the handlebar without having to pull the center. But I'm not talking about the umbrella, it is the small memo attached to it. Here's what's written on it;

Congraduation. Congrats for your graduation! I wish for your best for your future! Thank you for being a good friend to me! Wish we can keep our friendship.

Perhaps, this is the warmest message I've ever received in the past 5 years. A good friend, damn it. Nobody ever told me that I am a good friend. Such a cold world I live in, or I've never been good after all. I know I should never blindly trust anything or put a hope in things like this, but seriously, there are times that I really do wish that those words were sincere.

I may have mistakenly remembered this, but there was a time when someone asked me why did I hold everything by myself. If I recall it correctly, it was the time when I talked about my crush/ex. Those words hit me hard. The thing is that now I realized that I have a tendency to keep my feelings for myself, not wanting to show any affection out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of problems that should never arose. Finally, I am currently at this state where I just standing still letting the chance go by.

Because what's the point of having a relationship anyway? I don't want to expect anything and being expected to be of something they wish I was. At the same time I do wish to have someone I can confide in, to share my worries without being judged as incompetent, stupid, childish, egocentric, etc. Lastly, I want a sincere hug and whispering words like "It is okay, I am here for you.".

Summer in A Tropical Island

 

18 July 2021
Someone sent a chat into the FB group that a store had moved. Curious, I spent several minutes looking for the spot and found it. Just looking at the scenery itself is already refreshing. Honestly, I can't stop dreaming about Japan ever since I moved to the capital and live alone. I have lived alone since I entered college, but this time it is not the same. Overall, my current situation is comparatively better than when I just graduated. However, I still dislike the capital (whatever country it is actually), although it is better than countryside if I want to buy some goods.

Going back here and facing the slow-paced people and low work-quality really stressed me out. They expect everyone to have the same common-sense and accept what they served which is basically half-assed most of the time. Take an example. I went to fix my bike the other day and while it was cheap, the work is not complete. The fix is mediocre and the mechanic didn't even set the shifter the way it used to before (which was fine). I remember when I had my bike fixed in Japan. I asked the mechanic to straighten my rim. He did it, although not perfect, he explained why and he even set the brakes! How cool is that?

One staff at my department just passed the interview for MEXT scholarship. If there is nothing wrong, then he will go for Japan next year. Good for you my friend! I hope you will have a good time there.

It has been a full month since the last time I went to the office. To be honest, this is what I ever wanted since I experienced working for the first time in 2016. What's the point of going into the office if those things can be done from anywhere? I enjoyed this pandemic situation somehow, although not 100%, it is still much better to meet people directly and talk rather than using emails. 

Aaaah, I do need a proper hardware support to conduct my research quickly. Damn. I need that GPU units. Why nobody proposed it? It is not like nobody uses deep learning stuff. There are people using that and I also need that. Looking at the ever-growing trend and the minor program in the campus, why don't facilitate us? For the researchers and potential students, Jesus. What's in your mind? Are you even in the right mind? You always ask for more publications, but what the fuck with this situation I'm in? I can do more than this if you prepared that stuff long before I joined. At least there are something to help this time-consuming finetuning and cross-validation.

When You Can't Fight The Situation, Step Aside or Go with The Flow

Finally I got a job! Yay! Although that means I will have to move out from my parent's place (which means leaving my working desk and comfy chair) and trade off several other things. Never thought that I will take this opportunity. I know this place and really want to forget everything related to it basically because I am really disappointed by how it was when I was pursuing my degree there. Looking back to the past few months, I've been complaining about how noisy my parent's house is and how restricted I am facing my parent's ideals and perspectives. 

Here are the trade-offs:

1. No more free food
2. No more luxurious working space
3. No more free lodging (although I tried to pay for the electricity at least)
4. No more fresh air (It is always worse in the capital ain't it?)
5. No more nice morning rides (Left my lovely bike there)

For this:

1. Freedom to choose what to cook and eat
2. A job which I can do and generates money
3. Silent place where I can live the way I want, away from my naggy parents
4. Nothing can beat fresh air and greens. This one is the most expensive price to pay following the next one
5. I only ride to the workplace which only 1.1k from my place with a folding bike. Neither a long nor even nice ride. But cheaper and better for my lungs compared to hailing for a ride or walking (fuck pollutants)
   

At the cost of:

1. Time. Since I have to do all of the stuffs by myself; Plus I need to prep and clean the veggies and meats more than I had to in Japan. However, this pandemic situation makes it a little bit easier since I have more flexibility.
2. Physical health. Since I came back, I don't want to go outside or being outside for too long. I hate the heat and pollution. Compared to when I was in Japan where I used to ride my bike everywhere anytime I want to.
3. Mental health. Perhaps this is not something I should compare here, but back then I felt less lonely than now. Seriously. Maybe because I was so drowned into my research and thus resulted in less focus on seeking social interaction. However, being alone here doesn't feel the same. Even though the environment is so familiar, I get lonely more easily here. (I never admit it if anyone asks)
4. Money (ofc). The salary here is much less than I earned in Japan (scholarship + research assistant), it is close the scholarship, but not quite. For comparison, for master students, MEXT scholarship recipients will get 144K yen per month, and my monthly living cost was roughly 40K yen (incl. dorm rent, utilities, food, transport, misc.) resulting in 104K yen per month to save excluding the research assistant salary which is close to my current gross salary. Hence, I can only save roughly 70K yen per month here. 

All in all, I guess my life is better off here. I plan to find PhD with scholarship after 2-3 years working here. Just to get used to the academia life here first, work my ass off to make a safety net in case my plan fails.

You see, coming back to this place after all these years really surprises me. It is like a home I couldn't appreciate but still welcomed me. It feels like my parents who take care of me but I cannot stand to live with. My life is so strange, whenever I feel like I am ready to spread my wings and fly away, there's always something that pulls me back whether I like it or not.

Summer 2021 Anime List

1. Tokyo Revengers
2. Fumetsu no Anata e
3. Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken 2nd Season pt.2
4. Mairimashita! Iruma-kun 2nd Season
5. Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon S
6. Otome Game no Hametsu Flag shika Nai Akuyaku Reijou ni Tensei shite Shimatta… X
7. Cheat Kusushi no Slow Life: Isekai ni Tsukurou Drugstore
8. Kanojo mo Kanojo
9. Bokutachi no Remake
10. Tantei wa Mou, Shindeiru.
11. Meikyuu Black Company
12. Wonder Egg Priority Special Edition
13. Megami-ryou no Ryoubo-kun.
14. Jahy-sama wa Kujikenai!
15. Shinigami Bocchan to Kuro Maid
16. Uramichi Oniisan
17. Maiko-san Chi no Makanai-san
18. Ore, Tsushima
19. Okashi na Sabaku no Suna to Manu
20. 
    

Don't Count Your Days, Make Your Days Count

Earlier this month, I had a talk with my high school friend who currently pursuing his master degree in Italy. We have several things in common; coming from the third world country, went to Japan for few years and both of us have some experience about Europe (he has longer experience there, however).

One thing I kind of learned up to this moment is that we tend to cling ourselves onto temporary things and that makes us suffer when that thing is taken away from us. I learned this the hard way. I love solitude, silence, and clean air. The times I had in Japan was just perfect for my soul. I can't describe the joy I felt when I was there. I knew perfectly how I love my situation back then and I also knew deep inside that one day, I oughta leave that paradise. The later was rather superseded by my ego. I cling myself to that situation, to the place, to the comfort. Who wouldn't?

Coming back home with all these disturbance and constraints tortures me so much that I almost went crazy. I just couldn't accept the thing I have to face and rather than helping, it worsens the situation. I've been told many times that nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Youth, wealth, health, friends, anything. So why do we fight so hard for something that will not stay? I should've learned that. I came from this developing country, had a mediocre life, mediocre job, and suddenly I went from nobody to something else. But then again it didn't last. I got a job, an ordinary one; Heartbroken, left-out, looked-down, couldn't find any prospective supervisor, but I applied to a scholarship anyway. Gradually, things got better, found this supervisor, got accepted, the scholarship also approved, went to Japan, and had a wonderful life.

But I went too far by clinging myself to those things. The ease of funding made it no hassle to publish your work to top level conferences or journals; The only thing that limits you is yourself and your work quality. I could easily go to wherever I would whenever I felt under the weather. However, that also doesn't last. Now, I am back in the slump. Even worse that I couldn't even secure a job I like, not even ones that matched my qualifications.

Applied to be a lecturer might be something I never had in mind. But what else I can do for now? So far there's no problem, but can I accept the new workplace? Or maybe I will find new directions. Who knows what's in store?

Currently, I'm continuing my research hoping to publish it into a journal. We'll see how it goes.

Spring 2021 Anime List

1. Kumo desu ga, Nani ka?
2. Isekai Maou to Shoukan Shoujo no Dorei Majutsu Ω
3. Nanatsu no Taizai: Fundo no Shinpan
4. Tensura Nikki: Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken
5. Mairimashita! Iruma-kun 2nd Season
6. Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san
7. Sentouin, Hakenshimasu!
8. Fumetsu no Anata e
9. Slime Taoshite 300-nen, Shiranai Uchi ni Level Max ni Nattemashita
10. Hige wo Soru. Soshite Joshikousei wo Hirou.
11. Osananajimi ga Zettai ni Makenai Love Comedy
12. Kyuukyoku Shinka Shita Full Dive RPG ga Genjitsu Yori mo Kusoge Dattara
13. Fruits Basket: The Final
14. Koi to Yobu ni wa Kimochi Warui
15. Seijo no Maryoku wa Bannou desu
16. Joran: The Princess of Snow and Blood
17. Dragon, Ie wo Kau.
18. Yakunara Mug Cup Mo
19. Maiko-san Chi no Makanai-san
20. Itazura Guma no Gloomy
21. Shikaru Neko
22. Okashi na Sabaku no Suna to Manu
23. Sazae-san
24. Aka-chan Honbuchou
25. Odd Taxi

March

March 2021 marks my 6th month of unemployment and suffering. Finally I applied as a lecturer at my previous uni. The dean and the dept. head welcomed me warmly, although there are lines of recruitment steps that I have to pass through. The truth is, I never expected that I'd be applying to that place. I made sure that I stated my intention that I'm going to get a PhD after 2-3 years working. The problem is that I don't know where to go. The university itself offered a scholarship for the lecturers who want to continue their study, but everything comes with a price. Once you graduated, the contract immediately put into force. 2*study_period(years)+1; Meaning that assuming that I finished my PhD in 3 years, I've to work at that place for 7 years. 

Anyway, I don't know where should I go and what I'm gong to pursue next. I have background in signal processing and machine learning, yet I still can't say that I'm an expert. I have that dream to decode speech from the mind. Not only speech, but the intention, context, and motoric plan. Maybe you get the point, I'm going to help that patients who can neither convey their feelings verbally nor non-verbally. Those like Stephen Hawking.

Somehow I could not see myself other than becoming a scientist or at least a researcher despite what my Prof. said back then. I have literally no interest in working at companies or even building a meaningful career in my home country. I have to get out from here. 

Speaking about scholarship and picking the right supervisor are difficult since there is a lot of luck factors comes into play. Oh life, why is it so hard to be stoic and just accept the current and let it go, unattached to anything but God. Why is it so hard to accept the reality and why I cannot just enjoy the moment? 

Unbearable

I am really tired of everything. I am effing tired. Like seriously. I can't be here for too long. I hate my environment. I hate how much noise pollution forced into my ear, how much unpleasant odor should I smell, and how long this hot weather makes me sweat like crazy. 

Is this my punishment? Did I do some unforgivable sins? Why?

I went from this slump to a place I liked, had I life I wanted, only to be thrown back? Nonsense. What kind of bullshit is that? If God does exists, I want to hear His reasons. Yes I am a sinner. But I don't think I deserve this. It is true that life will not get easier, but to think that I should face this... Ugh.

Tell me that I am such ungrateful person despite everything I have taken for granted. There are people losing their loved ones, some others just lost their job with bills and loans to pay. There are people struggling everywhere. I am more than lucky compared to those, but also I cannot understand why do I feel so disappointed with things some of you might find it so silly to get upset about.

January was ended with a rejection after the user interview at a company I applied in December (what took you so long, damn it). However, a couple days later, I got the email from the HR that they offered me that a position which focused on the infrastructure (will work along with the DevOps) and if I agreed, the interview will be continued to the third panel (last one before offering), which of course I said yes!

A week passed and I sent a message asking for the status if there's any update before the Chinese new year holiday, another week passed and still, there's no reply from the HR. Ah, okay. Fuck it. Time to look for another opportunities.

17 February marks the beginning of my no-nut journey. Been doing that thing since second year of junior high school, and now it is time to call it a quit. So, I'll try to set the target five times longer than previous attempts. 40 days. Hopefully it changes something in me. Not to mention that I also limit my calorie intake and stop excessively using social media. I set a target of reading a chapter of each book I want to read. Be it technical or self development books.

And it failed a week later. Damn. But I realized that I haven't played PUBGm this far. Hopefully it lasts to the 40th day.

I also applied to other places, 3 in my country, 2 in Japan, and 1 in the US, but none of them answered or just simply rejected. Finally I am thinking to apply for a lecturer position in my previous university. I don't know where to go anymore. My life is so fucked up.

Being a lecturer doesn't mean you are there only to teach but also handling the administrative shits. But one thing for sure is you gotta publish something within a semester. Not easy to do if you have to do things outside research. Not to mention that in any workplace, politics do exist. Please spare me from that one.

Lately I can barely find any job that I like or even match my skills. Weird. Just who put this curse upon me? Really. This is not even funny. 

Just Go for It

Last month I sent my CV for the ML Engineer position at an e-commerce company in my country. After I learned a bit about the company, I decided to click that apply button. The vacancy was posted in the early November, thus I don't really hope to be contacted by the HR.

On January 7^th I received an invitation from the HR to conduct a coding test. I was feeling grateful and panic at the same time since I hate coding test and never really practice for that. The HR was kind enough to set the deadline for the next two weeks and thus I polished my rusty coding skill. 

The test used Hackerrank and I practiced some interview practice set. I asked my friend who worked there and she said the test was quite challenging for her. Looking at my current ability, it is nearly impossible if I can solve more than 3 questions. So I asked my friend who worked at the orange Chinese e-commerce company in SG how the coding test is evaluated. It is pretty different. But he mentioned that the key is not the technical skill, but rather how well you understand the problem and design an appropriate/optimal solution. Sigh-1*

I didn't wait until the deadline since I can't stand the tension for too long, but luckily I got the next HR message to proceed to the HR interview. Basically I was the one who asked a lot about the position. What kind of people they are looking for, what makes a candidate succeed and common pitfalls, etc. The HR basically asked 3 questions. Background, relevant projects (from previous employment or school), and its impact. Was quite nervous since my research background doesn't really match the criteria they are looking for. But somehow my profile got passed to the next stage, user interview. 

The user interview test will consists of 2 session on the same day. Lucky for me or thanks Covid, since the interview will be held online, I can see the interviewer names and do background check beforehand. One of the interviewer is a friend of my senpai in the previous lab I worked for. I tried to get some information but he didn't say much. Sigh-2*

The first user interview session was with the Data Science Senior Lead and one of the Data Scientist. The interview went well (at least that's what I thought). They asked more like how did I perform the experiments in my research in general and a little coding test with python. 

The second user interview was with another Senior Lead of Data Science based in Singapore. Firstly, he didn't seem to be that scary compared with his profile picture. Quite a nice person should I say, but I couldn't really explain about the sorting algorithm. The second pitfall is that basically I never touched cloud technology, kubernetes, or docker before. So that's where he mentioned that I should've applied for Data Science position rather than ML Engineer. He gave me a bunch of advices regarding my CV;

1. Elaborate more about the experience, the goal, and the stack (tech used)
2. Every publication should also made that way. Not necessarily putting the abstract, but rather the overall work that has been done
3. Mention the model used.

After the interview I didn't feel quite suitable for the position even though it was 2 vs 1 situation. Not to mention that I will be less doing experiments but rather standardize the internal research in the data team so that their result could be reproduced easily and to maintain running models to keep it up-to-date with the new data.

I guess that's it. I guess I will not secure any position this month either.