Unbearable

I am really tired of everything. I am effing tired. Like seriously. I can't be here for too long. I hate my environment. I hate how much noise pollution forced into my ear, how much unpleasant odor should I smell, and how long this hot weather makes me sweat like crazy. 

Is this my punishment? Did I do some unforgivable sins? Why?

I went from this slump to a place I liked, had I life I wanted, only to be thrown back? Nonsense. What kind of bullshit is that? If God does exists, I want to hear His reasons. Yes I am a sinner. But I don't think I deserve this. It is true that life will not get easier, but to think that I should face this... Ugh.

Tell me that I am such ungrateful person despite everything I have taken for granted. There are people losing their loved ones, some others just lost their job with bills and loans to pay. There are people struggling everywhere. I am more than lucky compared to those, but also I cannot understand why do I feel so disappointed with things some of you might find it so silly to get upset about.

January was ended with a rejection after the user interview at a company I applied in December (what took you so long, damn it). However, a couple days later, I got the email from the HR that they offered me that a position which focused on the infrastructure (will work along with the DevOps) and if I agreed, the interview will be continued to the third panel (last one before offering), which of course I said yes!

A week passed and I sent a message asking for the status if there's any update before the Chinese new year holiday, another week passed and still, there's no reply from the HR. Ah, okay. Fuck it. Time to look for another opportunities.

17 February marks the beginning of my no-nut journey. Been doing that thing since second year of junior high school, and now it is time to call it a quit. So, I'll try to set the target five times longer than previous attempts. 40 days. Hopefully it changes something in me. Not to mention that I also limit my calorie intake and stop excessively using social media. I set a target of reading a chapter of each book I want to read. Be it technical or self development books.

And it failed a week later. Damn. But I realized that I haven't played PUBGm this far. Hopefully it lasts to the 40th day.

I also applied to other places, 3 in my country, 2 in Japan, and 1 in the US, but none of them answered or just simply rejected. Finally I am thinking to apply for a lecturer position in my previous university. I don't know where to go anymore. My life is so fucked up.

Being a lecturer doesn't mean you are there only to teach but also handling the administrative shits. But one thing for sure is you gotta publish something within a semester. Not easy to do if you have to do things outside research. Not to mention that in any workplace, politics do exist. Please spare me from that one.

Lately I can barely find any job that I like or even match my skills. Weird. Just who put this curse upon me? Really. This is not even funny.