Coming back here with all these shits I've been going through makes me realize one thing; Humility. Learning to be humble may take time. My ideals such as having a good job, freedom, surrounded by good and smart people, supportive environment, clean air, etc. are all crushed. I feel like my dream, the things I have been fighting for are taken right before my eyes.
I don't hate the place I am working at right now. I am grateful to be able to get a job at this moment. But compared to the things I've lost, sometimes it is underwhelming. I lost a lot of things, but when I think deeply about it, I am actually saved. I am saved from the hellish PhD in my lab, which will most likely caused by my supervisor that in turn risking my life-savings only to prolonging my study. I also realized how stupid I was that I didn't take that free Japanese course, simply because I thought working there must be hard and unbearable. Even though it may be true, I am now being jealous looking at the people who made it with their Jp language skill.
But hey, what's done is done. There is no turning back.
Looking back to 2017, the depression I had, the betrayal, the scholarship journey, and I realized what God did. God took her away since she is not the one, so that I can focus on myself. So that I stopped relying on her instead of Him. My mom prayed, I prayed, and thus I got the scholarship and the best place I've ever been. Although in the end I was the one who betrayed God, I was the one who broke my promise to God, and now I shall face the consequence.
"If He helped you, He can help you again.". That's the words I heard from some gospel talk. But I believe one more thing, I need to go back to Him and committed to not leaving God anymore throughout my life. I am nothing without Him. I am just a mere human.
Pursuing PhD, I have the plan, but I am still afraid. Not to mention that even if I got the scholarship and graduated within 3 years, I have no idea what to do with my life. I am sure I don't want to go back here, but I am not sure about what's out there either.
Being a lecturer here really drains me. I don't like the system. I have no problem teaching, but to conduct a good research, it is not easy if I have to do other things at once.
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