Broken

Feeling left behind by my peers and the other M1 students.

The other M2 students are doing their best to graduate in April. I can see myself fighting the same game but now I'm stuck in the bushes. My published research is going nowhere. I want to continue it but I'm afraid if that's not what my advisor wants. I asked him and he told me to do something else, another project that was made by a graduated PhD student. Considering the time left to my thesis submission deadline which is 6 months, and the fact that I have to learn matlab (yes, I can't use it. I hate it.), I tried to ask my advisor if I could just use the previous code if what he wants is to replicate the result and try to change a little bit there. But in any case, I have to use matlab to some extent.

Talking about the PhD, I realized that my advisor might be right about me. I'm not someone who can bear failures and criticisms too much. In my current condition, I don't think I can pass any interview or whatsoever. I hate arguing and to be honest, I am quickly bored with anything after it finished. I have no vision or big problems that I want to tackle. I don't even know what kind of job I want to do. Research scientist? Need a PhD; Engineer? I was an engineer and it was boring, not to mention my engineering skill is still low; Business? What business?

My friend suggested me if I really want to continue to PhD, I could find another lab. But hey wait, if the problem is in me, then it is not a good solution as currently, I have no clue of what I have to do. So I decided to ditch any ideas of getting into a PhD right now. I already thinking about getting a job and if possible somewhere English-speaking and not too far away from brain-research stuff.

Cold hands. I don't know about the other people, but my hands are constantly cold these days. I'm so anxious about the deadline and the things I have to do in such a short time. I can't afford to fail. I have to keep going forward and not wasting time. But I cannot think anymore. Help.

I think my existence is a mistake. The fact that I am the only son makes it even harder. I don't know with those people my mom told me as successful people. I believe they have their own issues. But somehow, I am afraid. I am afraid of living. I am afraid if I make the wrong decision. Who is to blame? Me. Always me. The time won't wait. I'm suffocated.

God, help me.
Help me. Nobody can help me.
I need to finish this.
Why this becomes harder than I thought it would be?
Why now? What about my publications? Don't you think it would be better if I just continue it? Why do you want me to waste my time and effort?
6 months left, O God. What should I do? How should I do this?
What should I do? I'm sick tired of these. Why I am such a failure? What did I do wrong this time?
Help me out from this, Jesus Christ. Help me.
Where should I find a good job? The one that suits me, the one I can settle with. I don't know anymore. I need a break but I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid of the time. Even when I am sleeping I feel guilty to waste the time. But I can do nothing no matter how hard I try. I read the paper, I don't understand even the slightest bit of it. I need a package, a library, or whatever.
How can the others be doing so well? How can I do this properly this time?
Oh no.

Acedia, Depression's Twin Cousin.

It's been a long time since I wrote about my first long-term depression. So in this post, I think I will try to describe it again as a note for myself.

I realized that one day I went back from church. It was a fine day, nothing happened, just like a regular Sunday for me. Suddenly my chest ached and my eyes became watery inside the train. I don't know why but it just happened like that. I almost cried. But I held it in as much as I could. After that, my mood changed to normal again.

Several months later I found myself working in the lab. Preparing the slides for my next conference and it happens again. But this time, since I wrote this not long after that happened, I can describe how it felt like.

First of all, I feel so empty. It is like floating in the middle of nothingness. I was neither sad nor happy at the same time. I didn't have any problem with anyone. I felt like I am lost. But lost from what? I don't know.

Imagine you are free-falling from an airplane with the parachute on your bag. You can feel the air rushing through your skin as you are getting closer to the ground. But, suddenly it stopped. The time stopped. There is just you in the middle of the space and time you are not going anywhere. Having no idea of what happened to you, you can see clearly from above that everything is normal outside.

The only thing that is wrong is just you are trapped inside this invisible 'bubble'.

"Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough." that's a paragraph I found from some forums on the internet regarding depression.

I don't know if feeling low almost all the time, having no will to do anything that I'm supposed to do, or putting my best effort on anything I do can be classified as depression or just mere laziness. I can accept the fact that I'm always lazy or relatively lazy compared to other people in my circle. (Do I even have one?).

The neverending feeling of uselessness. Actually, it feels so uneasy to type that word as my memory linked it to the situation I was in 7 years ago. I was arguing with my high-school ex, and I told her that. Sadly, that's what I feel right now. Am I really that helpless from the beginning so that I use that word 'useless' which actually should sound more like 'I'm useless!'.

That word gradually consumes my mind. Maybe with a little drop of regret that I should've never said that. However, the feeling still lingers. Finding every little failure and comments from the others as its nutrients to grow even larger. When I got here as a researcher, yeah welcome to the club! Little had I known that this field is full of criticism.

The thing I hate the most just happened. Yesterday was my seminar session and it is almost time to write my thesis. Suddenly the first comment was something that should be said before the experiment conducted. The randomization. AFAIK, randomization is just shuffle everything and you'll be all good, but the comments were as if I have to redo my experiment from the start again. Fuck off. When I explained the experiment design last time you did say nothing regarding this. Not to mention there almost guaranteed that someone will ask why should I use EEG and not the other method. Duh.

Again, there're also 2 guys who always asked these questions whenever I meet them; "Why do you seem so unmotivated?" and "Are you happy with what you are currently doing?". I strongly believe that those questions mean no harm, but to be honest, I don't know how to answer. Oh, and the other question is: "Can you find a job that suits you?". Alright! I'm a misfit in all aspects of life. Are you happy now?

Just how could you feel motivated when you don't know where to go or what to achieve. I feel like I'm crying again now. I'm lost. There's no guarantee that I can find a decent job. But that's not it, what kind of life that I want? That question is haunting me since the college years because that was the time I saw people working in routines and I know that soon I'll be one of them, I don't like it. At first, I thought that it was money that I'm lacking. Here, I get more than what I wanted but still, I'm not happy. Then what? My purpose from the early of my school days was merely graduate as I was told that good grades make my parents happy which they don't waste the money invested on school-fees and those extra lessons.

Now what? My parents want me to get a steady job and earn a lot. Hold on, I know I hate routines. But a steady job means that 9-5 job isn't it? Alright, I tried to cope with that. Ah wait, graduate school? Do some research and graduate with another degree with a monthly stipend that you can save twice as much as the current gross salary? No way! But then I got it. Because I am fucking lazy! Great.

Now what?

Being so far from my family (well, not that I can rely on them too much anymore) and a country which is very noisy and nosy at the same time, it is not all about fun and stuff. I have the money now, but then again, now what? I have to deal with weekly seminar and book reading sessions that are not only wasting my time but also has nothing to do with my interest. Then why am I here in the first place? I admit that being here was not fully what I intended to do. I did whatever I could so that I could go to this campus with this scholarship. [compared to the other campus, this is the one that I can get into and stay in the cheap dorm as the living cost is high out there (almost 5x)]. I also changed my research topic so it could fit into this lab. I hate it. I hate myself for doing that. But I hate it more when certain people looked down on me as if I can do nothing and whatever I achieved is not totally my effort.

I even changed my topic so that it suits the will of the profs. My uncle also asked me the question: "Is this what you really want to do?". Why people could read those things easily as if they know that I'm contempt.

Now the big question is, what do I want to do? I always hear stories from my friends and their problems and most of the time I'd say: "It ain't your problem in the first place, no?", "You know yourself.", or "Nah, it will be gone before you could even realize.". Lately, I'm thinking, what is the meaning of those answers? Do I have a bad personality? Did I refuse to help them unconsciously? Why am I anxious about everything? Am I such an ignorant person? Why am I so selfish? What am I supposed to do? Why I can't find my goal? What's my purpose of keep on living?

9 December. Busted the seminar. It is not a mere seminar. The boss is there and somehow my answers and my presentations were so weak and baseless. The next day he cancelled my early graduation plan and even doubted that I should continue into PhD program.

How low could it be

October, Halloween, and Exploded Heart

The first two weeks of October were hellish. After getting better from pharyngitis, I got a severe cough which almost made my lungs pulled out after 6 hours straight of non-stop cough. Those days, I can't even sleep for more than 4 hours. None of the antibiotics really worked, instead, it made my ears and neck hurts; like something got pressured from the inside

I had a dream where my heart was exploded before my eyes. The next day I bumped into a car while driving. I don't really understand why lately I have a lot of bad dreams, including the death of loved ones. However, not all of them were that bad, I got a dream in which I was fishing with my dad and caught a big fish.

Thinking about which, yesterday I saw a man tumbled while catching something. I think he hallucinated and saw something which doesn't even exist. He didn't move for a moment and when he lifted his head blood was gushing out from his lips due to the impact. Soon after an officer came and called for an ambulance. I remembered my grandpa who was found dead by the garbage pickup-man.

This week my schedule is going to be packed with useless seminars and shits. Hell. I just want to get my thesis and journal done in January. At the same time, I have to submit my PhD research plan and pre-defense for my thesis. My thesis defense and PhD entrance exam will be in February. I hope everything will be fine. The truth is, I don't know where to go or what to do with my life after graduation. I feel like my go-with-the-flow plan is flawed. I should've known that eventually, there will be a fast stream that leads to a waterfall.

About my relationship with my mom; There's nothing much I would like to say here. However, the more independent I become, the more I know that I just can't live her ideals anymore, maybe because she has never seen the world. There were some stories that I would not like to tell at the beginning (since around 2016); the struggles, the pain, the loneliness, the fun, the guilty pleasures, even the good things that happened. Now it just adds up. I just can't stand when she starts to judge based on her view. I mean, I can hardly accept 'because it is now what we believe' or 'that's not what God wants us to do'. I mean like this, even God has His reason to say no to something. Maybe the short-term and long-term risk, or the direct or indirect effect on the others, or environment, psychologically, or anything. If she can justify that, then I can accept it. But she and most of the religious people never do that. I won't say I don't believe in God anymore, because there are things that are still out of my depth of understanding.

As I am researching the brain and reading various papers until now, well. To be honest, free will is something unexplainable from the science point of view. It is possible to alter your ideals over time using continuous suggestive stimuli. Therefore, your environment affects your ideals. Thus, who had been in various environments may have generalized viewpoint than those who just stayed in one place.

At this moment, I need to find a reason why I do these things. At the same time, why I do it that way. What do I really want?

A Place Called Home

October 5th. I dreamt about my dad. I was with my mom and dad after dinner when she suddenly came out from the bathroom after brushing her teeth telling us that next week on is the 'no meat month', meaning that the dream happened close to the Easter day. But that's not the point.

In that dream after my mom announced that, my dad simply replied: "We eat mostly veggies every day. Shouldn't it be 'no veggies month' instead?" I chuckled while my mom was holding her smile and thinking about what to reply. Then suddenly the topic changed to my experience of riding on the wrong public transport. That time I was so hungry and tired and I really want to get back asap. I was looking for a minibus number 62 or 46 which passes the road close to my home. At that time, I saw one 62-minibus coming and I simply hopped in. Along the way, I realized that the route seems a little bit different than the usual one. I suddenly remembered that that was the route that will pass my dad's university. I told the driver to stop and rode the one heading towards the opposite direction.

Honestly, my dream was pretty pointless, but I woke up smiling. I knew what I am looking for in a relationship. I know what kind of man my father is, and when I am thinking why my mom choose him over the other better men, I think I know the answer. My family is not a well-off type, but we are just enough. Despite my mom's constant complaints about my dad with his lackings, I mean, you know, she made the right choice. A man who doesn't cheat, smoke, drink, and gamble. Even though there are a lot of better ones out there none of them are willing to sacrifice the family for their own ego.

Each of them has their own ideal, weirdly though, they are almost on the opposite side. Being the only son in the family let me hear from both sides. Maybe I should talk to my dad more often to listen to his concerns.

Fall Anime 2019

1. Nanatsu no Taizai: Kamigami no Gekirin
2. Ore wo Suki nano wa Omae dake ka yo
3. Assassins Pride
4. Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai!
5. Azur Lane
6. Choujin Koukousei-tachi wa Isekai demo Yoyuu de Ikinuku you desu!
7. Kabukichou Sherlock
8. Beastars
9. Babylon
10. High Score Girl II
11. Watashi, Nouryoku wa Heikinchi de tte Itta yo ne!
12. Chuubyou Gekihatsu Boy
13. XL Joushi.
14. Africa no Salaryman
15. Ani ni Tsukeru Kusuri wa Nai! 3

ONA

1. Iya na Kao sare nagara Opantsu Misete Moraitai 2

OVA

1. Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai OVA
2. Yuru Yuri,

Movie

1. Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu - Hyouketsu no Kizuna
2. Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata Fine
3. Sora no Aosa wo Shiru Hito yo
4. Fragtime
5. Bokura no Nanokakan Sensou
6. Kimi dake ni Motetainda.
7. Strike Witches: 501 Butai Hasshin Shimasu! Movie

To Graduate or Not To Graduate

As my pharyngitis got better, it became a severe cough for the weeks after. It is always like that. So for the first two weeks of October, I suffered from seemingly neverending cough. But hey, there's a piece of good news from my supervisor (or not really?).

On that fateful day, after a boring seminar, my supervisor told me that I can graduate next March. Meaning that I can obtain my master degree within 1.5 years in total and directly continue to PhD. The other student (who also went to Graz last month) also got the good news. That's what she wants; Graduate ASAP because she is bored with her research topic. However, it causes a dilemma at least for me.

First of all, I enjoyed my life here. I can work at my own pace, I can travel for free for every paper got published, good living environment (some people call it boring, but I call it heaven), lastly I can save my scholarship allowance nearly the same amount if I do a full-time job (after deduction of tax, insurance, rent, and daily living expenses).

This is my assumption; With the income tax of 20% for income range 3300k-6950k per year (275k-579k) then, in case I got the minimum number (after PhD ofc), it means I have 275k - 55k = 220k for rent, foods, transport, etc. Subsequently, after calculating my monthly food bills and some input from my friends who live outside the dormitory for utility bills and rent fees, I should spend around another 100k for those kinds of stuff (30k for food is my minimal limit). Which left me around 120k to be saved. Only 20k more per month. Is that really significant? I don't think it is.

Oh wait, there is more tax! Health insurance (10%), prefectural tax (4%), and residence tax (6%). Which means that you will never see that 40% of your income. NEVER. If we recalculate the numbers above, then 275k - 110k = 165k left for rents, etc... Tch. There's only 65k left per month to be saved.

Secondly, I am afraid if I am not enjoying my life. Honestly speaking, I was actually able to enroll in 2 years mid-school program before, but I refused because I want to enjoy the time of my life and I was right. I never regretted that decision. I never find school or study is something that has to be done as quickly as possible. I mean, office work is boring. Research is cool unless you are expected to do it like an office worker with a 9-5 shift.

I like where I am now. I like how things are currently. Why should I rush it? Ain't life is like riding a bike? You can rush in the beginning and burnt out in the middle, or you can enjoy the view, feel the breeze as you pedal towards your goal.

The End of The First Year of My Master Course

This gonna be the last report of the first year of my master study. So earlier this month, 3-4 Sept to be exact, I went to Kyoto. My previous research partner was going to present her study at a local conference in Shiga (ASJ, Ritsumeikan?). So I booked an airbnb room with her. But since she insisted that her campus really wants only one name on the receipt to be reimbursed, I couldn't book for more than one name. So I took the risk and booked the room for 1 person, but I stayed there for 1 night and 2 days. Basically, I feel guilty about that, moreover, I changed the name on the receipt to her so that her money can be reimbursed by her campus.

I went to Takanohara sta. using my old bike and had a flat tire half-way to the destination. However, I parked my bike for 2 days and asked my labmate to bring the repair tools on the next day. Well, to be honest, it was my first time I met my research partner again since she went to Japan in April 2017.

Nothing much happened there, I just visited a bunch of places in Kyoto (not that much, just Nishiki market, Kamogawa, and Sen-no-Kaze ramen) for the whole first day and stayed in my room the whole second day after all-you-can-eat vegetarian breakfast since she got a presentation to be done. Then at the last night, we had dinner in an Oyakodon chain restaurant in front of Kyoto sta.

Then for the next week, I had to prepare my presentation for my oral-session in Interspeech 2019. This time, it will be held in Graz, Austria. Before that, I had to do a rehearsal in front of several staffs and students in order to find any mistakes or flaws that could lead into a disaster for me and for the lab's reputation since in this conference, there will be a lot of people of the speech community and not to mention the giants in tech such as Google, FB, Alibaba, Apple, Amazon, etc. which has their own speech-related product.

Well, as expected I got a lot of critical points that I shouldn't mention during the oral session. But I'm not going into the details there, but yeah, it was really made me nervous to the end of the session.

September 13th, I walked to the nearest station around 2pm, well, my flight was at 6.30 but, just in case. I flew together with one of the supervisors, one doctoral student, and one master student (who came from the same country as mine). We made a transit in Taiwan for 2 hours, there 3 of us (students only) walked along the transit hall and found a duty-free liquor shop. The doctoral student is known well to like alcoholic beverages. Well, to be honest, I also like those, but I tried to cut alcohol intake since I don't want to have liver problems in the near future. However, I found this liquor so delicious. Seriously, it tastes like umeshu; but despite it is stronger, it somehow tastes better.

I can't read. But this is the one I talked about.

So, because we went from the east to the west, we can basically saw the sunset from the horizon 35000 feet above the sea level.

Sunset from 35000 feet above sea level

We arrived at Vienna airport and waiting for a bus to Graz. It was 16C degrees outside in the morning and 22C in the afternoon. We met the big boss of our lab together with another person (*Japanese, but I don't know who). It was a 2 hours bus trip from Vienna to Graz. I saw a lot of people on the highway with their bikes and small trailer attached to its rear side. I guess they were either going back from their summer holiday somewhere.

Honestly. I was dead tired due to the long travel. My airbnb host told me that there was a local festival in Graz near the city center from 13-14, but I was simply too tired for those so I just slept. But the doctoral student went there and had some good time. I checked my laptop and tried to remote access the computer in my lab, but apparently, it turned off. There must be something wrong. 

16 September I went to the city center just to see what to look for the next days after my session. I got a bike from the host, so I can simply go anywhere for free! [FUCK YEAH!]. I went there with my supervisor who came one day later with the other master student. Since we had 2 hours spare time that afternoon, and my supervisor's hotel is apparently located near the area, we went to the Clocktower in Schlossberg which translates directly to hill-castle.

Now you know the reason why it is called a hill castle?

The clock tower.

One fine afternoon on top of the clock tower. A perfect place to read a book with some tea.

Graz city view from the other side.

After that, we went back to our places and the next day is the day of my oral session. I always so freaking nervous whenever I have to give an oral presentation. During my session I tried to speak as slow as I could to avoid unnecessary mistakes, however, my tongue slipped several times. But luckily, it made the audience laugh! I never attended a scientific talk session where the audience laugh. It made me feel relieved because not only the big boss and 3 supervisors came, the room was also full of experts from the speech community including those who studied brain activity during speech listening and production. I wish I had taken a photo from the podium to show you how crowded my session was. Seriously. Damn.

That night, the big boss invited us to dinner. One supervisor came with his wife and she couldn't eat much (you know western portion size is huge compared to Japanese). So they gave me the leftovers. I was happy but at the same time a little ashamed because I looked like a scavenger. 

Graz style schnitzel (Tonkatsu LOL)

The next day I went to the city center again, but this time I went with the master student only. We went for some chocolates, Graz cathedral, a double-spiral tower, armory museum, and Swarovski (for our moms). Nothing much happened. 

How much time they spent on these (and it is clean, no spider webs or whatsoever)

Double spiral stair; bottom view. Confused?

Double spiral stair from the other side

Understand? Hahahaha

Double-barrel ancient gun. There were no magazines, and you need to put the gun powder first followed by the bullet.

Iron horse

5 musketeers?

On the next day, we went to Basilica Mariatrost. A church on top of the hill. From outside it looked like there is nothing inside, but once we were inside, I was mesmerized by how much effort they took to build and paint all those.

Basilica Mariatrost front outer view.

View from Basilica Mariatrost

Inside the Basilica Mariatrost

The trip back was terrible. They set the flight to Thailand first and then Taiwan. There was a typhoon in Taiwan, luckily, the flight was going as scheduled. But I was dead tired. I arrived in my campus around 1am. I went to the lab to take care of several things. I found out that the lab was very hot! They set the temp to 25C, therefore my laptop did a thermal shutdown. The filter sign showed that it needs a cleaning, I told my supervisor and you know what, they put an air purifier. THAT'S NOT IT! GOSH.

Finally, I got pharyngitis and severe cough for the whole week. Ugh.

Why So Hot in Japan!!!

This is the worst summer ever. I can't handle the heat anymore. It is too uncomfortable. Fuckin' 40C almost every day because of the humidity, I miss Berlin for its weather. But compared to Berlin where the subway is not air-conditioned and people smoke like crazy everywhere, I still prefer Japan which is very contrast in those terms.

I think I'm in love.

There is this one new student in my study group (my lab has many study groups). I like her smile, she is only about 150cm and wears glasses with short hair. I don't see the physical appearance that much but it is her smile that brightens my day. Every time I see her I feel like I can do better and capable to do a lot of things. Man, this drives me crazy.

I know her English is not good (really meh!), but what's this. I know for sure she is not the type who wants to live outside this country. I don't even have any will to learn Japanese so far. I learn bit by bit every day and mostly forget all the things I've learned. Lol.

But her smile is enough.

However, I should say that I will not approach her. I'll just let her be. I don't want any emotional problems to happen during my study. I know that I'm clearly lonely and depressed, but no. I can't be attached to anything right now.

The first week in August I went with my study-group-mates to my supervisor's parent in-law's apartment to see fireworks over lake Biwa. We went from the campus by bus to Takanohara station. Before that, I planned to go there by bike but my friend said to go together because there was an accident somewhere along the line and the train service might be suspended for an unknown period. Okay, there is nothing much to say here but I was so stupid and touched my disc brake rotor right after braking from high speed. It is hot enough to burn my skin.

We arrived at the apartment around 7PM. There were a lot of people gathering there. I was afraid that it would be as crowded as in Kobe last year, but actually, we were not affected by those crowds because we were on the 7th floor of the apartment building. It was so magnificent. The colors, shape, transitions, and especially the sound! I can feel every 'ka-boom!' pushing my chest. My eyes were so mesmerized by what I saw that night. Last but not least, her fireworks-illuminated face.

My supervisor's nephew also came with his parents. He was still like 3-4 years old and he was really cute and playful! I am wondering if I can play with mine too, but meh, very different personality. We got back without my supervisor because he went to Osaka (while his wife stayed at her parent's house). We arrived at the campus' station on the last train! I don't know why that time I was so excited riding on the last train.

On the third week of August, the school had the Obon holiday for one whole week. Since I have no plan during this holiday and I can work better without anyone around, I decided to use one week in advance to collect EEG data to be processed during the Obon holiday. After the holiday, it will be the time for classification and holy fuck, I did nothing except the pre-analysis until this post is written.

I also have to prepare the presentation for an upcoming conference in Austria. Meanwhile, if it is possible I also have a paper deadline on October 21st. A week after Interspeech next month I will have to attend a boring summer camp (yearly event by my lab). I don't know why do we have to go all the way to that half-assed place, with not-so-good view while there are a lot of better places around Biwako. WHY.

Busy July~

It all began when my aunt and some relatives came to Japan. They arrived in Tokyo first, and then my aunt came to my place on the first Sunday. At first, we went to Dotonbori and Osaka Castle after putting my stuff back. The thing I did forget is that she is old and prefer to visit places in the city rather than natures. But wait a minute, don't all attraction placed at least on the hills?

I took her walking to Osaka castle. She whined again that the castle is so far (even from the entrance). After that, she wanted to go to Dotonbori and I was planning to take her to some good place to eat and try Japanse foods. But when we were there she asked for salad along the way. YOU COME TO JAPAN AND ASK FOR SALAD? Ok. I think if she wants it so bad, I know where to bring her to eat salad as much as she could with steaks. I proposed to go to an all you can eat restaurant, Barbacoa. All you can eat steak and salad. But what she said: "Too expensive.". Later on, we passed through a small bar selling a small portion of salad for 780 yen, she bought it. WHERE IS THE LOGIC? GOSH...

At every subway, whenever she saw uphills, stairs, or anything that goes up, she would ask for bus, elevator, escalator. DAMN IT. I can't handle this person for too long. Tch. Then the second day we planned to go to Kobe but canceled in the morning because she prefers Kyoto. She wanted to go to Amanohashidate and Ine no Funaya which means we have to wake up early. However, in reality, I woke up at 6 and she woke up at 8. She took a good 3 hours to get ready and figures everything. She didn't plan anything at all. Only wants to go to several spots. So that noon we went to Kyoto by train and had champon for lunch.

11 July, my chain snapped. I don't know why. I was cycling to Aeon with one of my Japanese friends because I need his help to do furikomi. I think the problem is because I degrease my chain once a month with detergent. Another thing that I noticed is that my rear derailleur doesn't smoothly shift at 5th to 6th gear while the other seems fine. Duh. However, the braking power from a pair of Shimano Zee brake is superb! A buttery smooth pull on my handlebar and my bike stop without sore hands. I can't imagine the power of Shimano Saint. Can't wait to upgrade my tires and drivetrain. Oh, money...

My highschool friend came to my place. Since he will go to Milan for a master degree, he traveled across Japan after resigned from his workplace. Fun fact: We were born on the same date and month.  We met at Nara Park but I could only accompany him for one day since I have something to do on the next day. He wanted to feed the deer, but unfortunately that time the stalls had already closed. So, at the end of the day, we ate Ano ramen. There he mistook the broth to keep the soup warm as lemon tea. How funny could you be, dude?

What a hot day. This Sunday after church, 2 days before my trip to Berlin, I saw 2 mid-school girls playing in front of me. yeah, no big deal, they just pinching each other's tits. Damn it.

Then I prepared my poster for a conference in Berlin next week (23-27 July). Nothing much, but after all the effort I spent, I ended up spent only a week approx. because I have to do everything from scratch again. Got very critical reviews from the teachers, but I think it is fine and acceptable.

I with my supervisor went to Berlin via Munich. The whole flight took around 13 hours and I suffered slight jetlag in Berlin. Not a big deal. In Berlin, I went out a lot with my aunt and uncle Klaus. I tried a lot of food, from kebab, Käse Spätzle (originated from Northern Italy), The authentic Italian pizza, Wienerschnitzel vom Schwein (Vienna style Tonkatsu), Currywurst (Sausage with curry powder and ketchup), Gyros Reis Pfanne (Lamb fried rice), L'émincé de veau à la zurichoise (Zurich style roasted potato with calf meat and creamy mushroom sauce).

Brandenburger Tor and food market at night

Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church and some bullet marks on the wall at Berlin’s Museumsinsel

Charlottenburg PalaceKaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church

Chilling at the backyard of Charlottenburg Palace 

FOODS!!!

MORE FOODS!!!

Starwberry, Raspberry, and Malaga ice cream

Gendarmenmarkt

Gendarmenmarkt at night (side view)

A bad thing happened on the last day. I got frauded. 300 euro gone (40K JPY) because I was hypnotized. So I saw a bunch of people playing a where-is-the-ball game and suddenly he gave me money and told me to join. I thought there was no harm, it is their money anyway. But then he told me to step on the box of my choice and asked for more money. I should've said no and go away and return his money. But as if I was hypnotized I took out my wallet and as soon as I opened it he snatched my money from it. Lastly, they told me to open the box which of course was empty and shoved me away just like that.

Let it go. It will come back in some way. But lesson learned. Never ever take out your money in public. Never get near street magic or such. Another thing I realized is I think it is God's way to show that I can actually lose so much but I still have more and I'm not losing too much actually.

Then I went back DIRECTLY TO A MORNING CLASS (9.20AM JST) straight from Berlin. It was the longest trip I took for an attendance. Then I suffer from jetlag the whole week. I can't sleep before 3AM when I should wake up and I can't stay awake above 12PM when I should have my lunch.

Sometimes we lose something we want to keep not because we are not supposed to have that, (besides that we are stupid), but if you think in a different perspective, it might be a proof that you can actually give more than you think you can.

Summer 2019 Anime List

1. Kimetsu no yaiba
2. Dr. Stone
3. Danmachi 2
4. Arifureta Shokugyou de Sekai Saikyou
5. isekai Cheat Magician
6. Fruits Basket: 1st Season
7. Maou-sama, Retry!
8. Uchi no Musume no Tame naraba, Ore wa Moshikashitara Maou mo Taoseru kamo Shirenai.
9. Tsuujou Kougeki ga Zentai Kougeki de 2-kai Kougeki no Okaasan wa Suki desu ka?
10. Kawaikereba Hentai demo Suki ni Natte Kuremasu ka?
11. Dumbbell Nan Kilo Moteru?
12. Tejina-senpai
13. Sounan desuka?
14. Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san 2
15. Araburu Kisetsu no Otome-domo yo.
16. Joshikousei no Mudazukai
17. Kono Yo no Hate de Koi wo Utau Shoujo YU-NO
18. Machikado Mazoku
19. Hensuki ▽
20. Nakanohito Genome

Movies

1. Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo!: Kurenai Densetsu
2. Dungeon ni Deai wo Motomeru no wa Machigatteiru Darou ka Movie: Orion no Ya
3. Seishun Buta Yarou wa Yumemiru Shoujo no Yume wo Minai
4. Kimi to, Nami ni Noretara
5. Tenki no Ko

OVAs

1. Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu: Memory Snow
2. Strike the Blood III
3. Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken OVA
4. Miru Tights
5. Seitokai Yakuindomo* OVA
6. Ookami to Koushinryou VR
7. 
   

Hey June~

I need somebody to love. Someone I can trust and have challenging ideas that we can talk about. After my past crush, I've never felt the pursuit like before. I can't really explain it well enough, but to put it into words, it was like I wanted to show myself as a dependable and responsible man. Someone who she could come and discuss anything anytime. I can take care of myself and so did she. I need that little 'push'. Meanwhile, I know that I'm still far from that point.

It is so hard to believe that up until now I need to be in love to achieve more. For instance, when I was in high school I was one of the laziest and low achieving student, I had no dreams, mostly I just merely did something that I think it was cool that time. Until I met my ex, who was definitely did better than me. So I started to pay more attention in classes and did my best in math and science subjects. It feels almost magical that I could achieve it if I imagine how my life would be in case I didn't fall in love with her in the first place.

So now, as a graduate student, I need to be in love with someone who I can look up to while challenging myself to achieve more than I can imagine. But finding that kind of person is somehow becoming more and more difficult. At my current situation, any girl that has those criterions are almost focusing only to herself, no time for a shitty person like me, or has been taken for sure. :)

Then again when I'm alone I ask myself again and again;

"Do you really want to deal with the risk of rejection and all those dramas?"
"Ahh, look at that happy couples again. Sweet, ain't it?"

In the end, I always choose to be alone. Alone is the safest way to enjoy my mid-20. I can do whatever I want. I can have all the time in the world for myself. I can do things the way I want. I can go wherever and whenever I want to. Sweet! I can sleep whenever I want, as much as I want, I don't have to deal with annoying people who ask to go out somewhere in the weekend when I want to be a bed burrito, I can work from dawn and sleep after lunch, I don't have to think about what to give or plan for special occasions.  FREEDOM!

The thing is pretty simple actually. Do you want to be with someone who always points out the bad things they find on you or the opposite? It is not like I hate to be criticized in fact, I'm very happy if someone does give their honest opinion about things that could make my future better, but seriously, only complaining doesn't do much good on me.

***

June is when the sun peeks into my room at 4.15 in the morning and burn my pillow in the next 45 minutes. This month, something crazy happened in the first 2 weeks. Remember my post from last month? Yes. That classmate of mine.

So I think it started when her BF's father passed away and he had to go back to his hometown for 2 weeks. I noticed that she looked a bit off than usual and she told me that she had to book the ticket for her BF flight the night before. We didn't talk much of the details that time since I don't want her to break out in front of me in the middle of the class.

The following week we had an exam for the machine learning class. I studied together with other 3 Thai people including her. Bruh, I didn't really know what to study at that time since I already predicted what kind of questions will appear before us to solve within 90 mins. In fact, I have to lower down my worries since it was an introductory class, which means that the level of difficulty should not be that hard (unless I don't understand a single shit which is impossible. I have my pride as CompSci grad!) Hahahaha

The following night after the examination day, she invited me to had dinner in her room. We ate the tomyum. In the end, she was drunk. She showed me all the collections of her perfumes from her BF. That's the first time for me getting my hand on something so expensive. She also made green Thai curry. The taste was so similar to something I often ate back in my home country.

2 days after that we went to Lamu in the afternoon to buy some ingredients for Korean fried chicken. She fell down in front of Aeon illegal bike park because she couldn't see well in the dark. lesson learned. We made it on Saturday and Sunday since we bought a lot of chicken.

On Saturday, I went to her room again. This time we ate green curry. That night, she got a little drunk but not for too long. However, she choked me down a glass of whiskey, believing it was a good one that will not make me drunk. Hell fucking no! I know my limit I couldn't go back. So I just slept there and that night, as my consciousness faded out I believe I did something terrible. She woke me up with a terrified face telling me that I was trying to rape her while I was totally confused. WTF.

The next Monday she invited me again to have grilled pork with some sauce after Data Mining class. I was so busy that day because new interns were going to give intro talk before the seminar. On Wednesday that week, I went to Lamu again to buy pork shoulder for her and some milk.

It was almost time to apply for Germany visa because I have to go there for my research poster presentation in 23-28 July. However, by the time I checked for the appointment slot, there were no empty slots available until July 30. I tried to call them but nobody picked up and my email also didn't get any reply. In short, 21 June I went to Germany consulate in Osaka for visa application without appointment beforehand. The officer said that I still have to make an appointment at any available slots and send them an email to reschedule it for a good reason. I got back to campus only to find that my bike almost thrown by Lawson for illegal parking. Just my bad luck.

So the next day I got an email from the consulate that my appointment (I select 6 August since it is the closest available. Crazy, no?) has been rescheduled to the next day in the morning. Everything went well and you know what, the visa finished amazingly fast. I choose to use their visa delivery (using kuroneko. It costs 907 yen) and it was delivered to my doorstep in just 2 days. Bruh!

Another good news is another paper got accepted! So I am going to Graz, Austria this mid September! Woohoo~

That's how my June. So many things happened, eh?

Why So Hot Already?!

Here we go with my monthly report of what happened to my life so far. I don't know where to start actually. Ah, it is still May-June. Technically it should be warm and cozy days regarding that April was still somewhat cold. But you know, it reached 28C most of the times during daytime and the sun rises at 4.30. It totally feels like summer already.

There was nothing much happened in term of my research. Honestly, because I had 2 classes with all their assignments and another 4 that are still going on until early August this year. I also recently appointed to be in charge of recording, converting, and uploading all the seminar and book reading session (I hope for this term only) and to blast reminder email to the lab members for any guest talks.

That doesn't really burden me though. The thing is that this term I might be chosen to present for book reading session. TWICE. Next week will be the turn of my group and the next one will be on 5th August. 

Last month, my research time was mostly spent on debugging the new experimental design. It went unresponsive at the end of the task-set and I also found out that several stimuli were presented multiple times. The classes that I took were only 2, but somehow I felt like I don't have much time and energy to do anything left. During these classes, I also happen to meet my classmate from last year's Data Science PBL I&II courses whose BF's dad just passed away in early June.

I will talk about this in detail for next month's post since it happened in June, not May. Another thing is my high school friend got a scholarship for master degree in Italy. How cool is that! He has been working in Japan since 2016 and now he is going to continue his journey to Europe! Dude, my best wishes to you. See you on top! He also planned to come to my place on June 13th but canceled due to his sudden deadline from the office. Honestly speaking, my schedule in June is no good.

I also registered for the cycling event again that will be held on August 25th. Hopefully this time I can keep up with the team. However, This year, my lab summer camp will be held at the end of September, while the last class/lab meeting will be on August 5th. Hence, I can go back to my hometown for almost 2 months! The ticket for the round-trip is also cheap! Damn. It is a hard choice. Moreover, I hate summer in Japan. I think I should cancel my registration for the cycling event.

Apparently, two people dreamt about me in the past 2 days (12 May and 13 May). The first one was my friend who I never met directly before. She told me that in her dream I was coming to her place in my hometown. The second one was my mom, this one had a little detail on it. She said that I had 2 weeks of holiday and we were planning to go to my mom's hometown after that.

Tough choice, eh? However, in term of timing, I'd prefer to go back in December-January rather than August-September. Christmas, my parents birthday, and somehow it is more festive than any other time of the year. u.u

Yamanobe no Michi Trip. Ten Days Golden Week. 13th Month in Japan

There're a lot of things I can say but I don't know where should I begin. Uhm, let's begin this with my first paper acceptance. Hahahaha... Apparently, my 1-page paper got accepted for a poster presentation at a conference in Berlin on 23-27 July this year. Actually, this is my save move since honestly, I have not produced any usable result so far and after the Golden Week holiday, I have to redo my experiment again. Anyway, this will be my furthest place I will go after Tokyo.

I spent the last week before the Golden Week holiday reprogramming the stimuli presentation to be used after the holiday but I don't know where did I put the sticky notes of the computer password used for the recording. Damn it.

During the beginning of the ten-consecutive-day Golden Week (due to the change of the era from Heisei to Reiwa), the first two days I dreamt about my ex. I knew that she got a problem with her last partner (I don't know the details but idgaf anyway), and suddenly she appeared in my dream for two nights in a row. What a terrible nightmare.

The story always begins with the same scene. We were chilling in a living room watching something I don't know what. Everything was so perfect and then we started to cuddle like a normal couple. Then she got angry out of nowhere, threw her tantrums, and started the physical abuse. Fuck it! I woke up from my peaceful sleep because of that. I didn't even know the reason, I did nothing wrong, we were barely in contact after the incident 2.5 years ago. Why the heck with that bipolar attitude?

So I decided to go on a trip. It was 67.58km in total. I went out at 6.30 to Sakurai station which located 31km from my campus by bike. From there I went through a trail path called Yamanobe-no-Michi which is well known as the oldest road in Japan and also written in some ancient romance novels (Genji Monogatari for example). It took me around 2.5 hours to get at the starting point. To be honest, I did make some stops at Nara and Tenri looking for some clues and the full course map.

There were no clues aside of the road signs spread at several hundred meters away from each other.

See that brown road sign with the red plate and white texts on it? 

Lucky I didn't get lost. Beside of those road signs, I got an offline map with all the kanji characters on it which I can't even read but at least I can see the path and know my location from the map application on my phone.

There was no big problem except I slipped when going down an uneven stair and bent my rear brake lever. I finished the southern part of the trail which located between Sakurai station and Isonogami-jinja at Tenri. Basically, the southern part of this trail has a lot of open spaces since it is surrounded by local farms which means good news for my phone signal. 

A road sign inside the jungle.

From Isonogami-jinja, there were no people walking to Nara. I didn't know why until I decided to take the challenge. First off, the path is not clearly marked. I can't even see the proper path from the map application I used. Because there were fewer people walked through the northern path, the grass has grown tall and covered most of the trail. Second, it is covered with dense forest and located further deep up the hill. You can't just use your ears and try to locate where is the nearest civilization. Third, no GPS signal! Seriously. This one is scary. I don't wanna describe how scared I was and how I regretted my decision back then.

Although along the trail there were a lot of ancient tombs of emperors and important people in their time, I could hardly recognize them. It was like a small key-hole-shaped hill covered with trees and sometimes surrounded by water. If it was not for the description board, hardly could I notice any.

I think it was 76% cycling, 24% hiking during the last half of the trail. The northern path is hilly and there are a lot of shrines along the way. I still respect the shrines, so if I had to pass them, I get off my bike instead of riding it. Shrines also mean stairs! Oh well...

Finally, I had to push my bike up the last part of the trail. I couldn't ride it since the path is made of cobblestones and therefore slippery. Moreover, a lot of stones has been out of their place due to the roots from the surrounding trees. My hardtail just could not give enough traction on the rear wheel given the slippery and bumpy condition.

Lastly, the downhill part! It was so fun, 3.3km of pure joy. the path is actually covered with gravels so it is a little slippery if you are running on a high speed, but there is the fun, right? Pushing the limit of your bike and tires! After all the fun, I still have to ride back to my 13km away dorm-sweet-dorm.

I arrived in my lab (I had no power left to take my bike to the 5th floor) around 16.52 and it was raining along the last 2km. Drenched in sweat and rainwater, I fell asleep in my lab for 2 good hours after having a cereal snack. Hahahahahaha

That night I had fried noodle for dinner made of instant noodle and custom made seasonings. At the end of the day, a hot shower was very relaxing. Ah, not to mention that this is my longest trip by bike so far.

I Made A New Friend!!

Two days ago I went to Kobe to visit my friend who I met from Japanese course class in my hometown. She changed a lot (in a positive way). I still remember how she was during the first several months after she arrived last year, now she has grown into a proper adult with all her Japanese studies and part-time jobs. Not to mention her Japanese skill; I'm very proud of her.

Earlier this month, another student from the Japanese course class came replacing my friend's roommate. She has a friend, a cheerful Aussie-NZ lady who also happen to come at the same period. I saw her from my friend's IG story and somehow I like her. So I planned to go to Kobe on Saturday, and cook something to impress this girl. After that, I will go for Easter mass on the way back home.

I cooked black pepper chicken and potato salad which are my friend's request. Finally I met this pretty lady. Gosh, she talked a lot! Maybe it is just how she is. I learnt that she just broke up with her previous partner several weeks after she arrived in Japan. She yields to be a voice actress (seiyuu) here. She likes anime (so do her brothers) and tries hard to get a grip on the dialects (and of course the Japanese itself).

We walked to a park nearby around 9pm and she talked about how NZ is, parts of her childhood, and how was her school days. After that we went back to my friend's place where I supposed to sleep but we found out there were a lot of tiny cockroaches on the floor! So I decided to crash on this NZ lady's place. I thought I would be sleeping on the floor but something even better happened!

We shared the bed. That was the first time for me spending the whole night sleeping beside a girl who I just met several hours earlier! I woke up every two hours because I couldn't help myself getting excited. Yes I like her, to be honest. Moreover I am really thankful for her to accept me that time.

No. We didn't have sex. I told her what I thought in the morning and she said this: "One night stand only makes me as a woman feel empty even more. It feels like you are loved which is the thing you want, but in fact it is just physical."

That sentence I will always remember. Although to be honest I never had one-night-stand before and never will, that give me a stronger reason not to do it.

I have been thinking about this for a while...
In case eventually we come to a point of realization that we like each other, can I accept her past? Or should I let this go?

A Year in Japan

First of all, this is my 12th month here. Which means that I have lived in Japan for the whole year. Yay. (So what?) It is just the same anywhere. I'm still all by myself.

One greatest sentence I heard earlier this month: "I think you are capable of it."

I also met with an Arabian man (actually he is Syrian but working in UAE for the past 10 years). My senpai (who had just graduated) drove me with another girl from my lab to meet with his childhood friend who is currently working as an elementary school teacher. She is quite nice, not really my type but, just nice. Speaking of this Syrian man, he was trying to apply for graduate studies regarding IT field. He just finished the interview test in my campus in the early afternoon. I got my feeling right, he hadn't done his research about approaching the tests, so as expected, he got rejected.

During the past months I have been coming to the lab late at night and stay until morning. I have my very own reason to do so. First, I want to save electricity which doesn't work that well. Second, I hate the lamps in my lab. Third, I'd like to play music and sing aloud while working.

Last month I exerted all my might to find out why my new generated data didn't produce the same numbers as the old ones with the same input. I don't care anymore. Just go on with this shit and hoping nobody would check it anyway.

Finally the paper submitted. By this time this post is written, I am waiting for my first paper announcement whether it will be accepted or rejected with those hideous comments I will see. Nah. Before that, I should enjoy my second spring here.

I cycled to Sahogawa, 12KM from my place. Once I got there at night, but I went to the wrong spot stupidly and missed the lanterns which only lit the sakura trees fro March 31st to April 8th. I went again for the second time to see the lanterns, but then I realized that it was over just yesterday.

I found a site that enlists several cycling route that I could enjoy sometime later: https://morethanrelo.com/en/the-best-bike-rides-around-kansai/ .

I will go to Canada this summer for poster presentation of my research. Despite of the good news, the reviewers comments were more like a critical hit to me. They easily spotted and clearly describe the fundamental flaws of my research which I've realized it beforehand but decided to ignore it in order to get some results published.

That being said, I already submitted my second paper to a conference with a small chance of acceptance regarding my content and detail quality. I'm not sure if this one will work as well as the previous one. Looking at those comments makes me want to slap myself. "Is this the best you can do?! You call yourself a researcher?!"

Spring 2019 Anime List

1. Isekai Quartet
2. Fruits Basket (2019)
3. Kenja no Mago
5. Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai
6. Nande Koko ni Sensei ga!?
7. Sewayaki Kitsune no Senko-san
8. Shoumetsu Toshi
9. Hitoribocchi no ○○ Seikatsu
10. Senryuu Shoujo
11. Midara na Ao-chan wa Benkyou ga Dekinai
12. Kono Yo no Hate de Koi wo Utau Shoujo YU-NO
13. Nobunaga-sensei no Osanazuma
14. Joshikausei
15. Strike Witches: 501 Butai Hasshin Shimasu!
16. Araiya-san!: Ore to Aitsu ga Onnayu de!?

ONA

2. 7 Seeds
3. Miru Tights

Movies

2. Seishun Buta Yarou wa Yumemiru Shoujo no Yume wo Minai
3. Kimi to, Nami ni Noretara
4. Detective Conan Movie 23: The Fist of Blue Sapphire

My 11th Month in Japan

Ok here we go again, my monthly report of being a MEXT scholar.

I was told last year that February will be the coldest month. But, nope. Not as cold as I expected, or maybe because I have adapted in the last 3 months counting from the end of fall.

Last month I went to Arashiyama again for project promotion shooting together with my senior, Yoshino-sensei, and Suzuki-sensei. It didn't last too long since we were just acting as user model while using the application. It was a nice day to be there, not so much if you are a tourist because not so many shops were open since it was still winter holiday. I went there together with Suzuki-sensei and went back with Yoshino-sensei. Also in the end of the day I talked with Yoshino-sensei about consideration of taking PhD after finishing master degree.

I am not really sure for now, but if everything goes well I might continue to PhD. The next week I treated Sashi as she was helping me registering for my phone number last year. We went together with my Vietnamese senior to a chicken-ramen restaurant in Aeon foodcourt. Not bad for the price.

I also found a cereal, Calbee frugra. I got it kinda cheap in Osaka; 600-ish yen per 800gr. Quite a deal. Also I'm quite shocked to see my January electric bill. It was way higher than December. AFAIK, my usage is not that extreme in difference. Fuck!

I also went to a potluck party in the end of Japanese Culture class. I was so lucky to get a leftover snack. An Indonesian friend also brought bakwan and fried tempe to the party. It was nice to have some Indonesian taste again.

Tbh, I don't really know what to do after this. My current research doesn't seem to be interesting after I think about the implementations. In my honest opinion, this topic is bullshit. Why am I doing this again? I want to change my topic after this. I don't want this. Seriously. Why would you want to find how natural a synthesized speech quality using EEG? I mean, assuming that the result is great and whatsoever, then what? Does it help anyone? Could you make a business out of it? No. Then why? I'm not here just for the degree. All my countless hours and effort should be useful at least for people who need the tech. The higher the demand, the better.

Doing something with unclear objective makes my life aimless and worse.

Again, about the party. Every time we got a new intern or graduate, the lab holds a party. It is the lab's party! Why should the students and also teachers pay for that. If you are going to make a party as the lab's occasion, then allocate some budget for that. Don't just make one and ask the students and staffs to pay. Damn! 1000 yen each small party. Interns will come and go at least twice a year. So it is 4000 yen per year. We have graduation party for Spring and Fall students which ranged between 3000 and 5000 yen. Also a year end party which usually maxed out at 5000 yen. Holy****! With that amount of money I'd rather upgrade my bike within a year than attending those. Oh, I haven't mentioned about drinking party and some student-based party. Usually ranged between 500 and 1000 yen. Ugh.

Call me stingy or whatever. But I my case, I don't think there's a point for that. Once a year for year-end party is more than enough for me.

First January in Japan

Time really flies!

It feels like last month went so quickly. I can't even remember what I did. Ah! yes. Currently, I'm playing PUBG mobile. I really want to play this game for so long, but since I still haven't built my PC, I played it on mobile first. Not so bad. At least my phone is capable enough to play and the internet is not an issue here. 

Currently I'm  also watching "Smile You" a Korean drama. I don't think it is very new, so far the story is still good and interesting. Wait, that's all? No.

Still about my bike, I bled the brakes since I accidentally popped out the rear brake piston. Tears on the floor~~. Spend 2300 yen for a bleed-kit with mineral oil. It was not getting better at the first try. So the second time I made sure I learned from my mistakes and it works! What an achievement. Hahahaha 

I also decided to repair my bottom bracket since it was creaking every time I put my power through the pedal. You know what, the technician said that the store which I bought my bike from is famous with their cheap bikes. The problem is not the price. But the handling and quality checks before the bike handed out to the customers. They did not check all the components to make sure everything is tighten enough, the way they handle the bikes is also not good either. The problem with my bottom bracket is that it was not tighten at all. So the water seeped in and corrode the shell. Damn it. Spent 2700 yen for this.

I repaired my bike in the small store. It is a humble yet cool store. The owner already know me also. No discounts, but I believe with his expertise. He worked as a technician for 12 years before the store he worked for went bankrupt. After that, he opened his store. It has been 17 years since. Sometimes his wife also come to help. There is no staff. Only him, the owner, manager, and technician.

This month I spend most of my days in my new desk. I moved to another building to find peace in order to meet the deadline. It worked well. There is not much food here, but the silence and the desk is way wider than my past seat. The deadline was tomorrow. I try to not expect too much on this one, but I really want to go to Canada. AAAHHHHH!!!!

I will take a few days off after this and start planning for the next step of my research. Since it is still cold outside, I don't really want to travel too far for now. 

First Christmas. Alone.

Hi. I'll just start my 2018 conclusion and how I spent the last month of 2018 here. I don't know what to say. But yeah, thanks for the last year. The bad ones, the good ones, the miraculous ones, everything.
So I will just continue from my previous post. Let's skip to the mid-December. On 16th, I went to Arashiyama Monkey Park. The entrance fee was 550yen. I don't usually take it, but this one is an exception because I want to see it. Unlike temples or just gardens, I don't know why but that time I was feel like it. My main reason going to Arashiyama for the second time is because I was paid by joining an experiment to try a new mobile app developed by our lab collaborating with a certain company working on trip-advisor-like project. Since the only interesting place left for me in Arashiyama is the monkey park, I just go there and collect some photos. that's all. Mission completed, money granted. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I originally planned to for to Rohm Illumination from Arashiyama. I already asked my labmates to join. However, there are 3 reasons why I cancelled this trip. The first one is because I lost my right glove in JR Osaka station. Second reason is it was predicted to be raining. I don't want to risk my friend's experience with rain. Third reason is because I was tired. So, I called it off

Yet another week passed and it was 23rd. I planned to go to Rohm Illumination during either on 24th or 25th after the Christmas mass in Kyoto. I went to the lab on 24th thinking it was 23rd so I stayed until 6 p.m. while I should go for an English mass around 4 p.m. I was shocked when my Chinese friend asked me when the Christmas Eve should be, and I was really fucked up. But luckily (or not), I still have 25th mass, so in the end we were having a hotpot party in the lab. 800yen, gone. Pretty cheap for all-you-can-eat dinner.

On the next day I went to the church. This time I parked my bike at the station. It was only 100yen for students! Damn cheap (but don't convert it to my country's currency). A little while before, my mom called me and asked whether I already attended Christmas mass or not, I told her my plan and she was confused. Since a day in Catholic church ends at 6 p.m. however, in the pamphlet that I got it is written that at 7 p.m. there is a mass. My mom was right. I waited until 7.30 but there was no one coming. No mass at all. I missed my first Christmas mass in Japan.

So I continued my trip to Rohm Illumination. It was 30 mins slow-paced walk from nearby station. That time I just really want to enjoy the night. The first question in my head was how do those people got a great shot. There are a lot of cars and people. It is so hard to get a good moment to take a shot. But putting those things aside, that place is so beautiful. you can google it. LOL

I walked around 15 mins from the entrance to the park, and in the park, I saw a lot of couple embracing each other at the dark corners and sides. Ufufufu. I really want to take a candid, but deep inside I don't like the idea, so I just walked by.

This holiday I am very very hesitant to go outside because of the weather. It was already snowing at several areas including Hyogo, Kobe but not my campus. A week passed and I am thinking how to deal with my research. It seems so unclear and so troublesome. I wish they would told me the ultimate goal of this thing.

So that's how I ended 2018.

This year so many things happened. Thank to God that I am still alive and able to be grateful despite all of the shits happened. From the application to acceptance, to the troubles I had in lab, until this point. Thank you for God almighty, for my parents who always supported me, to my friends who responded to my shitposts, to my cousin who was really really helpful so that I could accepted here, and also thank you for all the problems. I believe I have yet so much to learn.