Broken

Feeling left behind by my peers and the other M1 students.

The other M2 students are doing their best to graduate in April. I can see myself fighting the same game but now I'm stuck in the bushes. My published research is going nowhere. I want to continue it but I'm afraid if that's not what my advisor wants. I asked him and he told me to do something else, another project that was made by a graduated PhD student. Considering the time left to my thesis submission deadline which is 6 months, and the fact that I have to learn matlab (yes, I can't use it. I hate it.), I tried to ask my advisor if I could just use the previous code if what he wants is to replicate the result and try to change a little bit there. But in any case, I have to use matlab to some extent.

Talking about the PhD, I realized that my advisor might be right about me. I'm not someone who can bear failures and criticisms too much. In my current condition, I don't think I can pass any interview or whatsoever. I hate arguing and to be honest, I am quickly bored with anything after it finished. I have no vision or big problems that I want to tackle. I don't even know what kind of job I want to do. Research scientist? Need a PhD; Engineer? I was an engineer and it was boring, not to mention my engineering skill is still low; Business? What business?

My friend suggested me if I really want to continue to PhD, I could find another lab. But hey wait, if the problem is in me, then it is not a good solution as currently, I have no clue of what I have to do. So I decided to ditch any ideas of getting into a PhD right now. I already thinking about getting a job and if possible somewhere English-speaking and not too far away from brain-research stuff.

Cold hands. I don't know about the other people, but my hands are constantly cold these days. I'm so anxious about the deadline and the things I have to do in such a short time. I can't afford to fail. I have to keep going forward and not wasting time. But I cannot think anymore. Help.

I think my existence is a mistake. The fact that I am the only son makes it even harder. I don't know with those people my mom told me as successful people. I believe they have their own issues. But somehow, I am afraid. I am afraid of living. I am afraid if I make the wrong decision. Who is to blame? Me. Always me. The time won't wait. I'm suffocated.

God, help me.
Help me. Nobody can help me.
I need to finish this.
Why this becomes harder than I thought it would be?
Why now? What about my publications? Don't you think it would be better if I just continue it? Why do you want me to waste my time and effort?
6 months left, O God. What should I do? How should I do this?
What should I do? I'm sick tired of these. Why I am such a failure? What did I do wrong this time?
Help me out from this, Jesus Christ. Help me.
Where should I find a good job? The one that suits me, the one I can settle with. I don't know anymore. I need a break but I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid of the time. Even when I am sleeping I feel guilty to waste the time. But I can do nothing no matter how hard I try. I read the paper, I don't understand even the slightest bit of it. I need a package, a library, or whatever.
How can the others be doing so well? How can I do this properly this time?
Oh no.