October, Halloween, and Exploded Heart

The first two weeks of October were hellish. After getting better from pharyngitis, I got a severe cough which almost made my lungs pulled out after 6 hours straight of non-stop cough. Those days, I can't even sleep for more than 4 hours. None of the antibiotics really worked, instead, it made my ears and neck hurts; like something got pressured from the inside

I had a dream where my heart was exploded before my eyes. The next day I bumped into a car while driving. I don't really understand why lately I have a lot of bad dreams, including the death of loved ones. However, not all of them were that bad, I got a dream in which I was fishing with my dad and caught a big fish.

Thinking about which, yesterday I saw a man tumbled while catching something. I think he hallucinated and saw something which doesn't even exist. He didn't move for a moment and when he lifted his head blood was gushing out from his lips due to the impact. Soon after an officer came and called for an ambulance. I remembered my grandpa who was found dead by the garbage pickup-man.

This week my schedule is going to be packed with useless seminars and shits. Hell. I just want to get my thesis and journal done in January. At the same time, I have to submit my PhD research plan and pre-defense for my thesis. My thesis defense and PhD entrance exam will be in February. I hope everything will be fine. The truth is, I don't know where to go or what to do with my life after graduation. I feel like my go-with-the-flow plan is flawed. I should've known that eventually, there will be a fast stream that leads to a waterfall.

About my relationship with my mom; There's nothing much I would like to say here. However, the more independent I become, the more I know that I just can't live her ideals anymore, maybe because she has never seen the world. There were some stories that I would not like to tell at the beginning (since around 2016); the struggles, the pain, the loneliness, the fun, the guilty pleasures, even the good things that happened. Now it just adds up. I just can't stand when she starts to judge based on her view. I mean, I can hardly accept 'because it is now what we believe' or 'that's not what God wants us to do'. I mean like this, even God has His reason to say no to something. Maybe the short-term and long-term risk, or the direct or indirect effect on the others, or environment, psychologically, or anything. If she can justify that, then I can accept it. But she and most of the religious people never do that. I won't say I don't believe in God anymore, because there are things that are still out of my depth of understanding.

As I am researching the brain and reading various papers until now, well. To be honest, free will is something unexplainable from the science point of view. It is possible to alter your ideals over time using continuous suggestive stimuli. Therefore, your environment affects your ideals. Thus, who had been in various environments may have generalized viewpoint than those who just stayed in one place.

At this moment, I need to find a reason why I do these things. At the same time, why I do it that way. What do I really want?