March

March 2021 marks my 6th month of unemployment and suffering. Finally I applied as a lecturer at my previous uni. The dean and the dept. head welcomed me warmly, although there are lines of recruitment steps that I have to pass through. The truth is, I never expected that I'd be applying to that place. I made sure that I stated my intention that I'm going to get a PhD after 2-3 years working. The problem is that I don't know where to go. The university itself offered a scholarship for the lecturers who want to continue their study, but everything comes with a price. Once you graduated, the contract immediately put into force. 2*study_period(years)+1; Meaning that assuming that I finished my PhD in 3 years, I've to work at that place for 7 years. 

Anyway, I don't know where should I go and what I'm gong to pursue next. I have background in signal processing and machine learning, yet I still can't say that I'm an expert. I have that dream to decode speech from the mind. Not only speech, but the intention, context, and motoric plan. Maybe you get the point, I'm going to help that patients who can neither convey their feelings verbally nor non-verbally. Those like Stephen Hawking.

Somehow I could not see myself other than becoming a scientist or at least a researcher despite what my Prof. said back then. I have literally no interest in working at companies or even building a meaningful career in my home country. I have to get out from here. 

Speaking about scholarship and picking the right supervisor are difficult since there is a lot of luck factors comes into play. Oh life, why is it so hard to be stoic and just accept the current and let it go, unattached to anything but God. Why is it so hard to accept the reality and why I cannot just enjoy the moment? 

Unbearable

I am really tired of everything. I am effing tired. Like seriously. I can't be here for too long. I hate my environment. I hate how much noise pollution forced into my ear, how much unpleasant odor should I smell, and how long this hot weather makes me sweat like crazy. 

Is this my punishment? Did I do some unforgivable sins? Why?

I went from this slump to a place I liked, had I life I wanted, only to be thrown back? Nonsense. What kind of bullshit is that? If God does exists, I want to hear His reasons. Yes I am a sinner. But I don't think I deserve this. It is true that life will not get easier, but to think that I should face this... Ugh.

Tell me that I am such ungrateful person despite everything I have taken for granted. There are people losing their loved ones, some others just lost their job with bills and loans to pay. There are people struggling everywhere. I am more than lucky compared to those, but also I cannot understand why do I feel so disappointed with things some of you might find it so silly to get upset about.

January was ended with a rejection after the user interview at a company I applied in December (what took you so long, damn it). However, a couple days later, I got the email from the HR that they offered me that a position which focused on the infrastructure (will work along with the DevOps) and if I agreed, the interview will be continued to the third panel (last one before offering), which of course I said yes!

A week passed and I sent a message asking for the status if there's any update before the Chinese new year holiday, another week passed and still, there's no reply from the HR. Ah, okay. Fuck it. Time to look for another opportunities.

17 February marks the beginning of my no-nut journey. Been doing that thing since second year of junior high school, and now it is time to call it a quit. So, I'll try to set the target five times longer than previous attempts. 40 days. Hopefully it changes something in me. Not to mention that I also limit my calorie intake and stop excessively using social media. I set a target of reading a chapter of each book I want to read. Be it technical or self development books.

And it failed a week later. Damn. But I realized that I haven't played PUBGm this far. Hopefully it lasts to the 40th day.

I also applied to other places, 3 in my country, 2 in Japan, and 1 in the US, but none of them answered or just simply rejected. Finally I am thinking to apply for a lecturer position in my previous university. I don't know where to go anymore. My life is so fucked up.

Being a lecturer doesn't mean you are there only to teach but also handling the administrative shits. But one thing for sure is you gotta publish something within a semester. Not easy to do if you have to do things outside research. Not to mention that in any workplace, politics do exist. Please spare me from that one.

Lately I can barely find any job that I like or even match my skills. Weird. Just who put this curse upon me? Really. This is not even funny.