December

3 December

Went to Bogor by train. Didn't slept the night before. Recently I got really close to these 3 girls. One from English Literature dept in my campus (she is a lecturer) who apparently was close to the Head of Department where I am currently working at. The second one is the high-school friend of my college friend. She apparently works at the building where I teach. Lastly, my own student. Duh. I shouldn't make the last one in this list, but whatever.

From Bogor sta. she picked me up by car. She brought me some breads to eat. The first stop is the ATM. She needed to use the toilet and I needed to draw some money. Then, we wanted to go to Kebun Raya, however she changed her mind. So we had breakfast at the Sotomie Agih. 

After we had the Sotomie, she gave me the car keys asking me to drive. Well, I don't have any license, but she insisted. I never drove that type of car although I can drive most manual and automatic cars and motorbikes.

She asked me to drive to Kopi Nako. The trip there is quite, hmmm, challenging I can say. First off, the place is pretty high, and my parents never let me drive to the mountains and toll roads. But thank God I can still write this. The place itself is nice, but I hate the smokes! Fuck you smokers!!

We visited Sundanese resto that afternoon. We ordered pepes oncom, stir fried kailan and ginseng leaves. It started to drizzle by the time we were there. Then we talked a lot there. About the life, the depression, her family. Then we went to the ice cream shop near the place I teach (and her workplace) before finally she drove me back to the station. 

Arrived around 10-11 PM that night. What a day.

5 December

One old friend of mine asked me to go out after I teach that Monday. Apparently, he had to drove his wife to the office since she was 8 months pregnant. He was not going to the office that day, so he picked me up and we went to Bakmi Kb. Jahe. The serving was huge! I appreciate that. I would like to talk longer to him. However, since my bus back was almost departing, I had to go back to the campus.

8 December

I went to Gd. Serpong. Spent several days there at her place. So this is how it feels to have someone and live the way we wanted. Without anyone knowing, without a care about the world. A little world of us. We cuddled, we kissed. The next day she went to the campus, I stayed home and did the cleaning, not much, but I want to liberate her from small things that could've been improved. 

Saturday, we went to Bakmi Aswie. A noodle shop where they used 'ayam kampung' for the stock and I swear to God, it tasted amazing. After she 

Sunday, we went to the market to buy some veggies. We had shabu-shabu for dinner, and before we went to sleep, we watched La La Land, even though it was not finished. I guess she was so tired that day.

Honestly, I have no urge to write lately. It is like I don't want to rant here but shits keep coming (along with good stuffs). I really want to leave the office but I need the money. Perhaps I will take 6 months break and see what I can write from that point.

November

 6 Nov

A culinary date to the 'little tokyo' with my student. went to futago-ya, claypot popo, visited papaya, gandaria city, and finally ciputra mall. We were looking for bingsoo (Korean style shaved ice/parfait). The place in Gandaria city had closed. Thus we went to ciputra mall, but the Bingsoo was sold out!  

14 Nov

A whole day date with Ms. D before her boss returns to the campus. I love her smile. Her parents are divorced when she was around 20-ish. Seems like she wants to go back to Aussie.

Nothing much happens this month. I just simply didn't give a fuck about the campus event. Teaching? Nah, I totally lost it.

October

Nope. I should not date my student. But this girl, she is really reminding me of her in so many ways. It is true that I can't communicate regarding her current experience. We grew up in different era anw. Simply she just comes to me whenever she wants to rant about something. 

Never ending task this week. Deadlines for paper final manuscript, another paper, competency profiling form, exam questions. Asked to help interviewing incoming students. I want to quit. Quietly.

September

Ah, the paper I submitted last July just got rejected while my friend who helped me writing the manuscript got accepted. Well, I saved a lot of hassle but at the same time I feel my confidence shattered into pieces. I will just take this as a lesson and a reminder to be humble.

Saturday, I went to my aunt's house to take the groceries I needed for the following week. I went back to my place in the next day. In the middle of the return trip, I met a group of roadies. As an opportunist, I tailed them so that I can save a bit of my energy (the slip stream, babe).

I feel like my life is shit lately. Tight deadlines, too many things to do. 

22 Sept

The students asked me to sing a song. well, I saw potentials in them. one of them asked me about a topic to bring for UI/UX competition. Gave him some ideas. He won the competition. 3rd place, but I am so happy for him. To think that I still can feel this kind of emotion really put me into tears. As I feel I am dehumanized daily.

Volunteering to a big crowdsourcing project. Actually, I've been invited months before my friend told me that she is contributing also. Nice change of pace. Happy to code again. However, I don't know why I started this toxic competition within myself, that I should be more in everything compared to her. 

Class project deadline. Copyright form. WHY THE FUCK DOES A UNIVERSITY NEEDS A BUNCH OF COPYRIGHT FORMS FROM STUDENT PROJECTS EVERY FUCKING YEAR? WHY?!

Why can't you make PERFORMANCE METRICS which does not depend on the other's free will? Especially the students. Can you stop doing that? Who the fuck created this rule and metric? You can go fuck yourself. Really. Fuck off.

August

7 Aug 2022
Last week I somehow went back to my howetown. Spent a week with my parents. One thing I noticed is that I no longer complained that much about the pollutions and the noises. That whole week I really enjoyed the serenity of my parent's house. Although I should admit that it is quite hot there, but the air is incomparable with this God-forsaken capital.

Being in a state that I hate really reset my perspective from Japan. The air quality and cleanliness of Japan is something I long for quite a while now. I still remember how much I complained about the situation I was. But I know deep inside that I cannot be like this forever. The longer I can accept the current situation, the longer it will take for something better to come. So I learn a lot. And when I just started to accept things as they are, my life gradually gets better.

Everything is temporary, so enjoy whatever.

There's a backstory of my homecoming. So basically I still had a cough last week, but it was still manageable. Thus, I asked whether I could already come to the office, and lucky me they told me to wait until the cough is finished. So I took that chance and went back to my parent's house. 

There I got the chance to ride my real bike in the morning. I thought last year that I didn't want to take that bike to the capital because I was afraid if it is stolen. But if that bike is staying in the garage unused, it is not serving its purpose. So I decided to send that bike to the capital so that I can use it here. 

18 Aug 2022

Yesterday I had dinner together with some of the neighbors. One of them asked me to hangout next week hiking. Well, I never really hike before (I don't like walking that much, but let's try for once).

There are some things I really want to learn in life, and that's not about tech anymore. I want to learn how to survive, how to live. Perhaps that's the reason why I am really into philosophy recently and whenever I see lakes, hills, rivers, cycling, fishing, all those non-competitive stuffs, I want to live like that. To be honest with myself, I feel alive the most when I learn something new. Like skiing, I didn't feel discouraged by failing hundreds of times. I miss that feeling.

22 Aug 2022

Really pissed off by the mosque sound this morning. In fact, I woke up unwillingly by their loud voice. I was dreamt about my previous lab. But this time it is a little bit strange. The lab was not the same like it was. It is just the same inside but the outside seemed as if it was moved to another point. From the window I saw that the road at the hill behind the dorm was being worked on. I don't know what for, but that area was filled with water. Then I saw a blue NMax-like motor bike fell from someone's balcony and I think the owner jumped in together with some other kids. There was a tunnel to pass the water to the other side but apparently I realized the area nearby the tunnel was deeper than the rest.

After that I slept again. This time I saw another dream. I went to Yoshino with my parents, however the Yoshino I saw in my dream was not mountain. It was a beach. We spent the night in a small inn. After storing our stuffs, we cam down to the beach just relaxing. That's when I noticed that there were Livy with some others, who is apparently famous as influencer here and there was also my high school friend who often played basketball with me. He took the chance and got his picture together with Livy. I also wanted to do the same. Livy agreed, but my phone was too old and slow thus I failed to get one. Back into the inn, I got angry with my parents why they couldn't wait for me to take the photo. That's how I woke up disappointed.

July

Things had been very busy since mid-June. Not to mention that there were several things that await to get done with. The first one is that I am scheduled to teach a class 1.5 hours away from the place I live in twice a week starting from mid June.

The second is the grant proposal is accepted and since I take care of the infrastructure, I need to move fast when the money came in around early August.

The third is that I have a lot of work this month. From creating two sets of mid-term exams, checking the final-exam answers of 3 classes of mine, two conference papers deadline by the end of this month. Two fucking sudden compulsory trainings mid-July and early August.

I have yet to set my time to explore new opportunities out there. Lately I have no urge to continue my career in academia. I don't hate teaching. In fact, I found it quite pleasant to share and make the kids laugh. But I think I need to go out and find better opportunities. 

Last Monday I woke up feverish, that night I saw a tiny tonsil stone at the right side inside my mouth. Then in Tuesday I felt slightly better with runny nose and cough but my boss told me to get a PCR test; and so I did. Before the result came out, in Wednesday morning, I woke up with sore throat, it was so painful only to cough or even had a drink. "Ah! This must be another inflamed throat", I thought. Then I took a ride to a nearby hospital to get checked. That afternoon the PCR test came in and the result was positive. "Yay, WFH !!! F*** you office and your feudalism! Time to forget about the dirty air out there and guilt-free sleeping." Exactly what I need! It was fun and all before I lost my ability to taste and smell. Damn!

22 Jul 2022

Uploaded the paper, but it said minimum page limit is 4. Need to fill half of the paper. Shithead.

My senpai who worked in Japan Line-called me last night. It was short, but I think it was a nice conversation indeed. 

I also asked my NZ friend who currently teach English in Japan. I'm glad that she is doing ok.

24 Jul 2022

Uploaded the paper again, simple solution indeed. I finished both papers actually, but need some time to re-read and check for errors.

27 Jul 2022

I sold my bike. Went to the shop and asked them to get it repaired. The cost is almost half the selling price. Nah, I just sell it for half the price and I think I will think of other solution. 

28 Jul 2022

Got the news that next month I will teach another class at another city until December. So I will go there thrice a week until September and then I need to teach another class again. Thinking of it feels so tiring.

29 Jul 2022

After the grant meeting I decided to go back to my hometown after a year. Nothing much, I just want to leave this damn city. 

May

Covid situation gets better. More people allocated at the new campus. As an introvert, I don't like this. Last week, somehow I got allergy reaction. Fever, inflamed throat, rashes, tiny blisters around neck. Duh. I don't even remember what I ate. Perhaps the chocolate cookie?

German?

I read a paper published in 2016 years before I decided to go to Japan and now I sort of want to approach that professor who (most likely) supervise that paper. I don't know why, but during my years in Japan I met her twice. The first one was the first author of the paper himself delivering a keynote speech, the second one was the professor, and lastly she was the moderator of my oral session. 

Currently she is going to Singapore to give another keynote speech as well as I know that there is another professor in Singapore who often collaborate with her. I plan to join the conference in person as Singapore is not that far and pretty much fit the budget (thanks low-income country discount). 

###

I ended up not joining that conference. It require me to pay like 375 SGD and a credit card. I don't have the later, plus my passport died already. Calculating all the costs and hassles just for that one, I don't think it worth that much. I sent her an email but she has not responded over two weeks. I guess I can just come back sometime. For now, I'll just try someone else.

I am getting less and less of that random dream of Japan. Maybe because I am keeping myself busy on something else and thinking less of Japan. But every post of Japan still takes me back. Some random snapshots of familiar places really brings the vibe again. I realize something is changing in me, I started to forget several details of the places I've been. I don't want to say that it is a good sign or that I am starting to heal. Losing something I hold dearly is never a nice thing. 

Wednesday, I met a girl. B3, a lab assistant who will also plan to graduate next semester. I hope I can meet her again. I promise myself not to fall, but I feel so lonely. Accidentally met her on the way to campus. I had to take something, and she had to teach a class. We met again on the way back. It was raining. I could've walked her back but I choose to know her further so we had a talk. I enjoyed it. Finally the rain stopped and we went back. She and her dreams to be a business owner. I hope she get what she wants.

A week after that I went to the campus on Friday. I should've been working from home but all of the sudden, there was a problem with the electricity in my area and it forced me to go to the campus. When I arrived at the campus I just realized that I left my laptop at the other campus and locked the desk so that no one can open it. So I took the bus and found out that that desk already occupied by someone else. So I took my laptop and returned the key. 

On my way back I was onboard with a girl, another lab assistant but from finance major. She was still in B2. I talked to her since we were the only passengers of that bus that time. From what she told me, I can see that she lives alone (at her parent's other house), has two younger siblings, and doesn't go out very often. She even told me that she takes care of her life all by herself. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. I was so stunned by her independent living. I always feel like this is something that I am looking for. Miss independent. I want to know her more.

Winter Thoughts

 Maybe I was sent back here to face the reality

Warmth is when your hand touches my hand and we become warm

It is when loneliness meets loneliness and become coziness

When sadness meets sadness and become happiness

When cool breeze collides against another cool breeze and become a soft snow. That's what warmth is

Has life turned to the worst? Russia-Ukraine war is not their problem. It is our problem. Do you think it won't affect the prices? It already does. How this affect me? Well, I don't believe that the situation in EU is that better to be frank. I used to think to continue my study overseas for my PhD and settle there. But what can I do with this uncertainty.

My plan for PhD is kinda... vague at this point. I don't even have any good reason to do so. Why do I even want to go out there? There are some things that are obvious already;

1. I don't like my current place and situation. The environment, the people, the research facilities at the workplace, the life quality. The only good things are the foods and the fruits. Bountiful tropical fruits and I just eat bananas and pineapples, with occasional papayas. (Since those are the easiest to obtain)
2. No complains about my salary. It is okay (for now at least)
3. I just don't think that I'd like to settle with those people. Nope. Noppity. NOPE. (academia as in business side, duh. But I guess this happens everywhere)

Not very convincing reasons to do a PhD, huh? There is no reason for me to take a PhD except my duty as a lecturer in a private campus here that doesn't even care about research. Fuck. All they care about is rank and rank is everything since it lures the students (esp. who failed to enter the best national universities.). Accreditation and all shitty criterions the gov't and the ranking institutions set on the paper really grinds my gears. First of all, I am mainly here to teach and do research with some sprinkle of administrative duties. That's all fine until the reality is that teaching preparation for each class takes around a day (like a day or two just to rehearse and re-learn one session's material). Doesn't sound too bad? Wait until they set you to teach 3 courses a semester.