Reverse Culture Shock is Real

 Ah, November. Another month spent doing nothing but eat and sleep. I cannot say that I am pleased this current situation. 

The second month in my parents home post-graduation from abroad is tremendously affecting my mental. To be honest, I kind of underestimated the term reverse culture shock. The only thing I can enjoy here is the food. Although basically I just feel like useless here.

When I was living by myself in Japan, I didn't have to care about a lot of things. I lived pretty much independently and took control of everything, plus the direct consequences of my decisions. I decide when I want to study, sleep, eat & cook, shopping, do laundry, and I can go wherever at my own convenience. I made plans, I executed it. If I wanted to cancel it, I didn't have to tell anyone. Nobody bothered me, and I didn't bothered by anything major. (Except the summer heat, duh)

Compared to here where I don't know why everything becomes unbearably annoying! The vehicle sounds, the mosques, the people, even my parents ordering me what to do and what not to do. I cannot express my depression, nor that I can talk to them. I cannot talk to my friends by phone because if I do that, my parents will overhear that and I know what will they say. 

The only thing I can do is to silently typing my thoughts and hoping that some miracles will happen somehow. I cannot say I hate the existence of my parents either. I just need my own privacy, I want to do things my way at my own time without being preached about it. 

Then there comes the 'Why don't you look for jobs?' shit. I know I need a job, a good one, the one which let me save at least as much as I saved back there in Japan. But looking for that kind of jobs here is kinda, I don't know how to address this, but I feel like looking at the wrong place.

Basically, I am looking for machine learning engineer position, I have background in signal processing (audio, brain wave) and well, I can do images too (not my ace, but yeah I can do), and yet to touch Natural Language Processing stuffs. The closest thing I can find is Data Scientist and well, looking at the job-desc, most of them listed some stuffs I never touched like Hadoop, Kubernetes, Docker, etc.

The other thing that I worried is my programming ability. I wouldn't say that I cannot code at all (how could I even graduate from Computer Science), however, if you asked me how to do Binary Search Tree, or DFS, BFS, or some sort on the whiteboard in front of some HR panels, I will most likely to freeze and fail the test on the spot.

I wish I could get my head straight and find the next thing I want to achieve. I am tired with my current state of mind and I don't want to rant too long. I am exhausted mentally. I don't blame anyone from my lab for my current situation since I know had I stayed there, it would be even worse. Maybe this is the time to look at something else or patch the holes I've been ignoring all this time.

Lastly, I broke 2 of my rear wheel spokes. Damn.