Pacing Myself

Last December, I sold my old bike (the one I used to go to Nara park for the first time) to a new Malay friend. Apparently last year I got several new friends in the church a week before Christmas. 2 of them are Malaysian. The other one just arrived in Japan last October, so currently he is still a research student and since he is new, I offered him my bike for 5k yen only. The only drawback of this bike was just the rear tire, pretty worn out and I already patched it twice.

Unexpectedly, he bought it and crashed it several days after. He looked at his phone while riding. Gosh, never ever do that unless you know the path very well. As the result, he snapped the derailleur hanger and broke the rear mech. He also bought the wrong set of inner tube and tyre replacement.

The following week after we repaired the bike, I asked him to go for a grocery shopping. The total route we ride was just 12.6KM. Bringing him with me made me remembered my first days here. I really wanted to visit a lot of places with my bike and I felt so happy doing so. But yeah, I will not do it for many times. Just once or twice a year, that's enough. There are a lot of places other than those and things are getting more and more packed into my schedule; You know, classes and stuff. So I ended up not going out that much.

Talking about this new friend of mine, he rode really really slow! Jesus Christ. I can't wait forever. If it was an incline than I can understand that maybe he has not used to it yet, but on the oh-so-fun declines he dragged his brakes and therefore wasting his momentum into heat. But before I conclude not to ask him to do any ride together anytime soon, I should realize this one thing. That is that I was also like him.

That takes me back to the first summer in Japan when I joined the 50KM journey of Nara Mahoroba cycling tour. That time our team was led by a team of pro-cyclists. That time I burned out, thinking that cycling is easy, I have been doing that all the time, there should be no room for errors. WRONG! From the wrong saddle height and wrong pacing from the start unknowingly how the terrain would be. Total stupidity. Like anything else, never underestimate anything and test the water before you swim.

As I titled this post as "Pacing Myself", I would like to remind myself that each of us is walking (or maybe running, flying, sliding, whatever~) at our own pace. There are some people out there who are looking at us wondering when they could be at the same level as us in some aspects, while we might also look at the other group of people wondering what can I do to achieve what they gained.

"The thing is, my dear myself, you don't have to rush yourself. Let's be honest here; you are here because you were mad at her, right? You made that promise you know have a little chance to fulfill. But guess what, The truth has been there all the time and all you need to do is to accept it. The fact that you are here means that you are more capable than what you think. But you are not enjoying it because you keep comparing yourself to others. She will continue to the Ph.D. and guess what, it is what she wants to do. Do you really want to walk her path or your own designated path? Do you really know what it takes, do you really think that you will be happy?

You are not going to be like her and she has her own ideals which you cannot stand. You already stopped chasing for her but deep inside you know that you are not fully letting her go because you are afraid to be looked down. Actually, you like places like this and you don't regret being here. But the fact is you are actually bored with what you are doing because it is not what you initially want to do and unfortunately the lab cannot support your ideas any further.

You are not stupid. You just need to find yourself first.

Now take some time and think about what's good for you. Be it your future career, education, or where do you want to settle in. Take some time to think about what you can tolerate and what not to decide which shit-flavored sandwich do you want to take because at some points life will get suck anyway."

But if it was not for her, I wouldn't be here. Yes! It is an amazing achievement indeed. Going overseas with a scholarship and get a degree plus you can save some of the stipends for your future. How great is that? But one thing I forget. WHAT'S NEXT? Because this thing won't last forever.

Then lastly, for the last semester, I've been asking myself this very question: "What kind of life do I really want to have? What kind of place do you want to be in? What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?". I've watched a lot of related videos and articles. And yesterday I went to the church and I don't remember this phrase from Mark 10:15 : "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.". So that I think to myself. Last time I ask something from God, I asked Him this way: "God, if this is really for me, please let it be mine. However, if it is not, then please give me the strength to accept Your decision.". Because I know I am prone to anxiety and can't handle rejection well.

So I'm asking God a different thing this time; "Show/tell me what do You want me to do.".