Broken

Feeling left behind by my peers and the other M1 students.

The other M2 students are doing their best to graduate in April. I can see myself fighting the same game but now I'm stuck in the bushes. My published research is going nowhere. I want to continue it but I'm afraid if that's not what my advisor wants. I asked him and he told me to do something else, another project that was made by a graduated PhD student. Considering the time left to my thesis submission deadline which is 6 months, and the fact that I have to learn matlab (yes, I can't use it. I hate it.), I tried to ask my advisor if I could just use the previous code if what he wants is to replicate the result and try to change a little bit there. But in any case, I have to use matlab to some extent.

Talking about the PhD, I realized that my advisor might be right about me. I'm not someone who can bear failures and criticisms too much. In my current condition, I don't think I can pass any interview or whatsoever. I hate arguing and to be honest, I am quickly bored with anything after it finished. I have no vision or big problems that I want to tackle. I don't even know what kind of job I want to do. Research scientist? Need a PhD; Engineer? I was an engineer and it was boring, not to mention my engineering skill is still low; Business? What business?

My friend suggested me if I really want to continue to PhD, I could find another lab. But hey wait, if the problem is in me, then it is not a good solution as currently, I have no clue of what I have to do. So I decided to ditch any ideas of getting into a PhD right now. I already thinking about getting a job and if possible somewhere English-speaking and not too far away from brain-research stuff.

Cold hands. I don't know about the other people, but my hands are constantly cold these days. I'm so anxious about the deadline and the things I have to do in such a short time. I can't afford to fail. I have to keep going forward and not wasting time. But I cannot think anymore. Help.

I think my existence is a mistake. The fact that I am the only son makes it even harder. I don't know with those people my mom told me as successful people. I believe they have their own issues. But somehow, I am afraid. I am afraid of living. I am afraid if I make the wrong decision. Who is to blame? Me. Always me. The time won't wait. I'm suffocated.

God, help me.
Help me. Nobody can help me.
I need to finish this.
Why this becomes harder than I thought it would be?
Why now? What about my publications? Don't you think it would be better if I just continue it? Why do you want me to waste my time and effort?
6 months left, O God. What should I do? How should I do this?
What should I do? I'm sick tired of these. Why I am such a failure? What did I do wrong this time?
Help me out from this, Jesus Christ. Help me.
Where should I find a good job? The one that suits me, the one I can settle with. I don't know anymore. I need a break but I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid of the time. Even when I am sleeping I feel guilty to waste the time. But I can do nothing no matter how hard I try. I read the paper, I don't understand even the slightest bit of it. I need a package, a library, or whatever.
How can the others be doing so well? How can I do this properly this time?
Oh no.

Acedia, Depression's Twin Cousin.

It's been a long time since I wrote about my first long-term depression. So in this post, I think I will try to describe it again as a note for myself.

I realized that one day I went back from church. It was a fine day, nothing happened, just like a regular Sunday for me. Suddenly my chest ached and my eyes became watery inside the train. I don't know why but it just happened like that. I almost cried. But I held it in as much as I could. After that, my mood changed to normal again.

Several months later I found myself working in the lab. Preparing the slides for my next conference and it happens again. But this time, since I wrote this not long after that happened, I can describe how it felt like.

First of all, I feel so empty. It is like floating in the middle of nothingness. I was neither sad nor happy at the same time. I didn't have any problem with anyone. I felt like I am lost. But lost from what? I don't know.

Imagine you are free-falling from an airplane with the parachute on your bag. You can feel the air rushing through your skin as you are getting closer to the ground. But, suddenly it stopped. The time stopped. There is just you in the middle of the space and time you are not going anywhere. Having no idea of what happened to you, you can see clearly from above that everything is normal outside.

The only thing that is wrong is just you are trapped inside this invisible 'bubble'.

"Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough." that's a paragraph I found from some forums on the internet regarding depression.

I don't know if feeling low almost all the time, having no will to do anything that I'm supposed to do, or putting my best effort on anything I do can be classified as depression or just mere laziness. I can accept the fact that I'm always lazy or relatively lazy compared to other people in my circle. (Do I even have one?).

The neverending feeling of uselessness. Actually, it feels so uneasy to type that word as my memory linked it to the situation I was in 7 years ago. I was arguing with my high-school ex, and I told her that. Sadly, that's what I feel right now. Am I really that helpless from the beginning so that I use that word 'useless' which actually should sound more like 'I'm useless!'.

That word gradually consumes my mind. Maybe with a little drop of regret that I should've never said that. However, the feeling still lingers. Finding every little failure and comments from the others as its nutrients to grow even larger. When I got here as a researcher, yeah welcome to the club! Little had I known that this field is full of criticism.

The thing I hate the most just happened. Yesterday was my seminar session and it is almost time to write my thesis. Suddenly the first comment was something that should be said before the experiment conducted. The randomization. AFAIK, randomization is just shuffle everything and you'll be all good, but the comments were as if I have to redo my experiment from the start again. Fuck off. When I explained the experiment design last time you did say nothing regarding this. Not to mention there almost guaranteed that someone will ask why should I use EEG and not the other method. Duh.

Again, there're also 2 guys who always asked these questions whenever I meet them; "Why do you seem so unmotivated?" and "Are you happy with what you are currently doing?". I strongly believe that those questions mean no harm, but to be honest, I don't know how to answer. Oh, and the other question is: "Can you find a job that suits you?". Alright! I'm a misfit in all aspects of life. Are you happy now?

Just how could you feel motivated when you don't know where to go or what to achieve. I feel like I'm crying again now. I'm lost. There's no guarantee that I can find a decent job. But that's not it, what kind of life that I want? That question is haunting me since the college years because that was the time I saw people working in routines and I know that soon I'll be one of them, I don't like it. At first, I thought that it was money that I'm lacking. Here, I get more than what I wanted but still, I'm not happy. Then what? My purpose from the early of my school days was merely graduate as I was told that good grades make my parents happy which they don't waste the money invested on school-fees and those extra lessons.

Now what? My parents want me to get a steady job and earn a lot. Hold on, I know I hate routines. But a steady job means that 9-5 job isn't it? Alright, I tried to cope with that. Ah wait, graduate school? Do some research and graduate with another degree with a monthly stipend that you can save twice as much as the current gross salary? No way! But then I got it. Because I am fucking lazy! Great.

Now what?

Being so far from my family (well, not that I can rely on them too much anymore) and a country which is very noisy and nosy at the same time, it is not all about fun and stuff. I have the money now, but then again, now what? I have to deal with weekly seminar and book reading sessions that are not only wasting my time but also has nothing to do with my interest. Then why am I here in the first place? I admit that being here was not fully what I intended to do. I did whatever I could so that I could go to this campus with this scholarship. [compared to the other campus, this is the one that I can get into and stay in the cheap dorm as the living cost is high out there (almost 5x)]. I also changed my research topic so it could fit into this lab. I hate it. I hate myself for doing that. But I hate it more when certain people looked down on me as if I can do nothing and whatever I achieved is not totally my effort.

I even changed my topic so that it suits the will of the profs. My uncle also asked me the question: "Is this what you really want to do?". Why people could read those things easily as if they know that I'm contempt.

Now the big question is, what do I want to do? I always hear stories from my friends and their problems and most of the time I'd say: "It ain't your problem in the first place, no?", "You know yourself.", or "Nah, it will be gone before you could even realize.". Lately, I'm thinking, what is the meaning of those answers? Do I have a bad personality? Did I refuse to help them unconsciously? Why am I anxious about everything? Am I such an ignorant person? Why am I so selfish? What am I supposed to do? Why I can't find my goal? What's my purpose of keep on living?

9 December. Busted the seminar. It is not a mere seminar. The boss is there and somehow my answers and my presentations were so weak and baseless. The next day he cancelled my early graduation plan and even doubted that I should continue into PhD program.

How low could it be