Last year was full of pain. Focusing my ambition, dream, time, money, and even my feelings for someone who just left you in a blink. Changed her mind and attitude in a split-second. I realized it was not totally her fault. My mistakes played a big part there, but, are you really that simple? Well, we have different values afterall, and she might have grown bored of me. So then I have to learn how to be independent. Alone again, to put it sadly. I should never ever trust in anyone.
Ironically, I was an ignorant person back then in the school days. I always thought I could do it better alone from the start or just plan ahead, make some core works, make sure it is perfect and easily understood, and let the rest of the team do the finishing. That's how I am, and I have no idea if that is good or bad. Although in the end I find some flaws. I become more and more dependent to another to do the finishing while spending so much time planning and construct a perfect core. If the project's deadline is tight, I am sure it will be one messy thing and I will hate the result for sure.
As I become more and more dependent to this one lady back then. Maybe she overwhelmed too and 'exploded', But she was the best work partner I ever had. I will make sure to hire her if I am building my own company. Right now, that lady has become someone else's girl. I can only wish for good things, so I'd rather not to think about it.
October 2016-February 2017 were hellish. The worst thing ever happened in my relationship with someone I loved. I was so slow, and really, I have no plan towards any commitment or such. Slowly, while denying my true feelings, I became more and more attached to her. She is still my greatest one. Honestly, I can't bring myself to hate her, neither can I love her any longer for what happened during that period. The pain still stings. Also, this period is where I got turned down by 2 profs and was in doubt whether to continue my study or cancel it. [
March 2017 things calmed down, but she is still going first to Kyoto. Leaving me behind. Well, no problem, because I had known what is going to happen there sooner or later. Best thing that time was I got my research topic and prospective Profs.
April 2017 was hectic as I am preparing the documents and such because the registration will be open shortly. But it was not until the end of the month. I got so many helps from people nearby and from far away.
May 2017 was the deadline of the application. I ended up putting my last hope in this one. Promised my parents that this is for a better future, but the main reason is to be with her. Earlier this month, I did a Skype interview with one of my prospective professor and it ended up great. It was my first time interviewed via internet too! I was so nervous as it will decide my future, I sweat from my back to hips. Luckily the could not see it. Haha...
June 2017. The first screening result announced. "Let me fail here if this is not Thy will. Otherwise, lead me through all the way from now on."I asked God that time right before opening the attachment in the email from embassy. He answered quietly by showing me my registration number on the list of 168 people who passed the first document screening out of thousands of applicants.
July 2017. The result of language screening announced. Passed one more time. I believe this is not my might, this is the power of my parents prayers. In the end of this month, the interview result was announced. I don't know what to say, but I passed. Praise the Lord.
August 2017, I lost contact with one of my prospective professor leaving me with one and only choice. Around this time, she told me that she was head over heels towards this one guy. She told me the story, but I can feel her excitement and joy from her story. See, this is it then. Truthfully, I can't let this go easily. The pain I feel, my feelings I keep inside, all my effort and plans, I have none of it anymore.
September 2017. My LoA arrived. After submitted it to the embassy, I arrange my schedule to go home and resign from my previous job to prepare my language.
October 2017-December 2017. Intensively learn a new language makes my head spin. My back were hurt due to prolonged studying period with the same pose. Around this period, she has started going out with another guy. The university told me they got the letter from the sponsor asking for confirmation that they will accept me as their student. They told me that it was a good omen. Lastly, the final official result announced. I am one of 31 students from my country who are going to receive the scholarship.
It ended up well. With all the bitter-sweet, tears, and sweat. It all paid off. "In order to get something better we have to learn to let go some good things". Those words hanged in the toilet of my old workplace. Everyday for one and a half year I saw the same words over and over again. But it is true.
I am happy overall. I can spend my last days here with my beloved and most precious people. I met my high school friends. I drank Dom Benedictine and Bailey's, those two are the best! I want to try Kahlua, Bali liquid Brem, and many more next time.
Then again, Thank you 2017.
Let it be my year of sorrows, pains, depression, months of suicidal thoughts and useless feelings.
Special thanks to my parents for your prayers and support. Friends and relatives who had spent their time helping me. Thanks for my high school ex-gf who caught me first when I need someone to say sorry to. [
I will write some more next time. My depression and also my scholarship story. See you!
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