What I Wanted, What I Deserve

Do you ever wonder that you might love somebody that doesn't even exist? That happens to me. I'm not sure when it was started. But before I knew, I've been drowned in this feeling.

Long ago, when I was an egoistic little kid, I never wanted to have a sibling. The thing I remembered is when I cried in my room because my mom didn't come back from my neighbor's house in front of mine. I just don't want to lose her. Yet, some years passed by and my mom was having a baby in her womb. It was told that it will probably a baby girl. That time, I realized that I'm not afraid anymore to lose my mom, yet I'm scared to be disturbed. I'm afraid of my things being broken by my little sister. But at the moment I realized that a girl won't touch boy's things, right? So I just waited for her to come out from my mom's.

I'm neither glad nor sad. It was all plain until I heard that my mom failed to give her birth. The time when I was all alone. The time when everyone focused on my mom for being operated, the time when I know I have nobody to rely on. I love my mom, but this just hurts.

Time passes by and mom sometimes wonders what if that thing wasn't happened. What if I have a little sister. Who is her name, how she looks like, how she behaves, what she likes, will she tease me, and many other things. When I was in the end of the last semester in the high-school, I was wondering if my sister who will be at the first year of middle-school. I can take care, someone I can trust, someone who I can share my love with. I wondered if she will get a boyfriend, because I believe that she must be so pretty and smart. Having someone who will has her lunch with you, someone who will make you angry yet you still love her so much that you can't even let her away.

I can't believe this happened. I can't believe what I wanted. I want to have a little sister now, even I was denying it. I'm all alone now. It's my fault. I never met her. I can't see her face. It's all blood. That's all what I saw. That's everything. I want to ride my bike with my little sister. I want to share my life, I want to see her smile. I want to make her laugh. Is it wrong?

Wherever you are, I'm waiting for you.