What I Wanted, What I Deserve

Do you ever wonder that you might love somebody that doesn't even exist? That happens to me. I'm not sure when it was started. But before I knew, I've been drowned in this feeling.

Long ago, when I was an egoistic little kid, I never wanted to have a sibling. The thing I remembered is when I cried in my room because my mom didn't come back from my neighbor's house in front of mine. I just don't want to lose her. Yet, some years passed by and my mom was having a baby in her womb. It was told that it will probably a baby girl. That time, I realized that I'm not afraid anymore to lose my mom, yet I'm scared to be disturbed. I'm afraid of my things being broken by my little sister. But at the moment I realized that a girl won't touch boy's things, right? So I just waited for her to come out from my mom's.

I'm neither glad nor sad. It was all plain until I heard that my mom failed to give her birth. The time when I was all alone. The time when everyone focused on my mom for being operated, the time when I know I have nobody to rely on. I love my mom, but this just hurts.

Time passes by and mom sometimes wonders what if that thing wasn't happened. What if I have a little sister. Who is her name, how she looks like, how she behaves, what she likes, will she tease me, and many other things. When I was in the end of the last semester in the high-school, I was wondering if my sister who will be at the first year of middle-school. I can take care, someone I can trust, someone who I can share my love with. I wondered if she will get a boyfriend, because I believe that she must be so pretty and smart. Having someone who will has her lunch with you, someone who will make you angry yet you still love her so much that you can't even let her away.

I can't believe this happened. I can't believe what I wanted. I want to have a little sister now, even I was denying it. I'm all alone now. It's my fault. I never met her. I can't see her face. It's all blood. That's all what I saw. That's everything. I want to ride my bike with my little sister. I want to share my life, I want to see her smile. I want to make her laugh. Is it wrong?

Wherever you are, I'm waiting for you.

Some Might Say

Well, it's my first post on this new blog. I don't really know what am I about to post but, it's 4.50AM. It's a holiday because today is Idul-Adha; kind of a religious-ceremony for Muslims.

First of all, I'm quite changing from the way I was and I think there's no turn-around sign along this road I've chosen. Now I'm a lazy, simple-minded, yet introverted college student. I don't really know since when, but all I can say is I noticed this from the beginning of being here. Since I'm far away from parents and have no close friends I guess.

Talking about being introverted, I'm not as what most people think. I can make friends with anyone I want to, but I'm building a huge barrier to everyone I don't even want to look at. I'm a free minded, often being the strangest person in class, mumbling about something random, doing random activities, for a moment they see me day-dreaming but a second later they might find me smiling to the window. It is me now.

Tomodachi. A Japanese word for friend. Even I'm this introverted or crazy(it might be a closer approach), I've succeeded in making some friends (although less than 5, but it's better than more but I don't really like to). Apparently, it's not because their interests, but I enjoy being with them. And because of them, I know animes more than those on the local TV stations. Thanks for overwritten my life.

The first anime that was introduced to me is Motto To Love Ru. The story is about a boy named Yuuki Rito and an alien from Deviluke named Lala. Nah, I don't want to explain any longer but it wasn't the first anime that I'm interested in. The first anime that I watched is KissXsis. A story about a middle-school-er named Suminoe Keita whom lost her mom when he was very young to remember, and his father married again with his step-mother who brought a twin from her last husband named Riko and Ako who are a year older from Keita. Since they're not blood related, Ako and Riko want to marry Keita. The interesting part of this anime is the truth that it's usual to see a perverted boy who likes to tease girls, but in this anime the perverted one is Ako and Riko, yet they're only being pervert to Keita. The next anime I like is Highschool DxD, Motto To Love Ru, School Days, Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai, and Sora no Otoshimono is the last anime I watched last night, waiting for season 3.

Isn't it nice to be like this? Is it right? Is this what I should be? It can't be helped. I've lost myself. I can't go back and I don't want to.