Time flies, huh. This month is my first time teaching online. Although it is held online due to the pandemic situation, I think I learned a lot. There are things that make me rethink the way I should deliver the materials, etc.
The first one is that GENERATION GAP IS REAL. Damn it. So basically I graduated from this university in 2016, meaning that I was just over 21. Now it is 2021 which means those kids are probably born around 2005. Hell, I can't communicate with them properly. Not that I can communicate to my peers smoothly either. But this sucks. One lecturer that taught my class in my second year back then just finished his PhD in Korea and probably he will come back here soon.
I noticed that I lost my weight again. Currently I weighed 68.7kg from around 71kg back when I was in my parent's house. I lost my weight extremely when I returned from Japan. Normally I weighed around 75kg, but back then it was only 69kg.
A year ago, during the graduation ceremony, a labmate gave me a folding umbrella as the graduation gift. It is the one with auto-shut mechanism which let you shut the umbrella only with a push of a button on the handlebar without having to pull the center. But I'm not talking about the umbrella, it is the small memo attached to it. Here's what's written on it;
Congraduation. Congrats for your graduation! I wish for your best for your future! Thank you for being a good friend to me! Wish we can keep our friendship.
Perhaps, this is the warmest message I've ever received in the past 5 years. A good friend, damn it. Nobody ever told me that I am a good friend. Such a cold world I live in, or I've never been good after all. I know I should never blindly trust anything or put a hope in things like this, but seriously, there are times that I really do wish that those words were sincere.
I may have mistakenly remembered this, but there was a time when someone asked me why did I hold everything by myself. If I recall it correctly, it was the time when I talked about my crush/ex. Those words hit me hard. The thing is that now I realized that I have a tendency to keep my feelings for myself, not wanting to show any affection out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of problems that should never arose. Finally, I am currently at this state where I just standing still letting the chance go by.
Because what's the point of having a relationship anyway? I don't want to expect anything and being expected to be of something they wish I was. At the same time I do wish to have someone I can confide in, to share my worries without being judged as incompetent, stupid, childish, egocentric, etc. Lastly, I want a sincere hug and whispering words like "It is okay, I am here for you.".
