Say That You'll Stay

After my thesis defense is it over? Nope. Do I have time to relax and enjoy my time? Definitely nope. Then what can I do in my last few days here? Preparing to move out. This gonna be the last post about my life in Japan.

Man, I never thought that moving out here takes a hell lot of things. Packing my stuffs and scheduling when to close my accounts here in Japan. September is the month of typhoons as far as I can remember. The typhoon does not hit my place this year (hopefully) but southern areas like Kyushu took a lot of damage already. The good thing is that the weather become somewhat bearable so that I can enjoy myself a little more even though I still cannot go anywhere far anymore. Deadline, deadline, deadline, appointments, bills... F@#%!

As the time goes by, I realized that everything is just a phase. People will come and go. Nothing really lasts. You will eventually leave your friends or they'll just simply embarking on their own life journey. It is not like you won't become friends anymore, just distant and perhaps disappear eventually. It depends on the situation. But looking back to last month when I met with my friend from junior high school, I started to realize that we don't really know about anything. I know him and his background, personality, how he did at school and so on. But look at him now, continuing his study in Japan? What a surprise. I thought that he will be working like a regular person somehow but, nope. 

Things like moments, feelings, stuffs, wealth, health also will come and go.

Then another PhD senior who will also graduate at the same time with me finally secured a researcher position at Honda Research Institute. He is working with dialogue system. So lucky for him since he applied for that post-corona lockdown.

Realized something during a conversation with one Indonesian friend from the Bio dept. That actually the project offered in Q4 last year is actually the PhD ticket. Which I stupidly refused since I was not interested in that.

Everything is impossible until someone did it. Realization of what life means and what you are actually doing and heading towards is important. I wonder if the definition of each role is explained when I was a kid instead of learning things we don't actually care about. In my opinion it is much better to learn something first and learn the other stuffs that related to it. The connection, the system we live in is the most important thing.

I will take myself as an example. The first time I learned about roles in IT fields is when I was in the third year of middle school although I have been programming (and even hacking, cracking, etc. which of course just out of curiosity not for money) since a year before. It is about life choice. I couldn't imagine if I took the accelerated program that let me finish middle-school in just 2 years. They keep the curriculum the same, but the pace is very fast. What's the point? None. The students are choked with things that they just need to memorize in a short period and then forget after the exam. Okay, I'm generalizing too much here. Of course there are people who are so smart that they can handle those. Certainly not my brain I guess.

Where did I go wrong?

I have a classmate who was the smartest student in my high-school, he wanted to be a heart specialist and he made it I guess. When I mentioned his name to someone from his university (same faculty at least), they seemed to know him as well. So I guess he is doing great. Part of it I guess is because he knows what he wants and make his own way towards his goal. This is where my problem is. I AM LOST. Somewhere along the days I passed.

The weather is somehow getting nicer recently. Today it was only 27 at noon and 19 in the evening. I can't believe what I'll be leaving. Just talked to my sensei today and ask for advices since I know there is something wrong with me which led the Prof to not letting me continue to PhD. I remember he mentioned 2 things for sure:

1. No big goal
2. Passive

Ok. Those two are causative which led to my current situation. How can you get yourself motivated if you don't know what actually you are working on? I don't blame anyone this time so I asked him that why then my topic changed at the first place. He said that the topic is clearly too difficult to complete. I understand this one, but then why does nobody explained to me when they changed the topic so that I can get the big picture? Did I miss that one too?

In the end of the conversation, I got some advices. the most important point is to know what exactly you want to do. I should be the one who decide the big picture and plan how to accomplish it. How would you like to change the world? Then, pick a place where they are doing that thing. Don't pick a lab since they are working on a certain field. For example, lab-A and lab-B both are working on the utilization of X. The most important thing is not the X itself, but what they are trying to achieve with X. Pick the closest one and then ask the professor whether they are willing to supervise you.

The end.

Last week of September is the most emotional week for me. Not only it was physically demanding, but also mentally. From the graduation ceremony, group farewell party, summer camp, lab farewell party, putting my bike to the hotel, and moving out.

It was raining on the day of the graduation ceremony. Well, not so many people graduated in September and due to covid, only student representatives were called to take the diploma. The good part? It didn't took so long. :) I forgot to print my academic transcript and some copies of my diploma. Ah.

Then in the afternoon I went to the hospital to take my PCR test result and in the evening I had the group farewell party. After the party, I talked to that Japanese girl that I like and told her my feeling. I didn't ask for her answer because I know it wouldn't matter anymore, plus, I have no expectations since she will enroll into the PhD program and I don't want to disturb her. Not to mention that I am still not certain about my future.

Then on the next day I got to put my bike to the hotel near Itami airport. I went out around 8 in the morning and arrived in the hotel around 3 in the afternoon. Wasted 2 hours since I took a wrong turn and fell down since the road was so slippery and my tires were bald so I lost the grip. Here's the catch. Usually, that 38km-ish trip should tire me up but that time it wasn't. I was tired for sure, but it didn't expect that I didn't get tired as much as I expected.

After I crashed, an old man offered me his used gloves to cover my wounds. Then an old lady near Kuragari landmark who also owns a little cafe there treated my wounds. She gave me some alcohol and band aids. Then I continued my journey to had some curry udon and wrote my memento there before went down to Osaka. One of the best moment ever. That feeling of accomplishment. Then around 10KM from the Itami airport, my battery dried up and I ended up asking for direction at 'koban' it was the first time I went into that place. The police officer helped me charge my phone for 5 minutes and told me the easy way to get to the airport. He then checked my bike license number and let me go after a while. I arrived at the hotel around 3p.m. 

Then I went back by bus to Namba and went inside Takashimaya to get my phone charged for 10 minutes. Luckily, there's a classy leather shoe store (the prices are so fantastic. >50k yen at least), where the manager (or the owner) helped me. Then I contacted my friend and met with her, who worked for Kidzania, at Umeda station. We had a little baguette as a night snack before we head back. There goes my last Saturday in Japan.

On Sunday, I spent most half of the day for the summer camp which usually held at Biwako, but this time it was held at campus due to covid-19. I personally regretted my decision since I wasted too much time. After the summer camp, they held a mini graduation ceremony for those who graduated this month.

Spending my last day in Japan is not that much of fun. Instead I felt so melancholic. I can't seem to leave the view of my veranda. The thought of the upcoming autumn is also haunting my mind. The life quality, the peaceful environment, the freedom, the internet speed, the fresh air. Compared to my hometown, I lost all those things. Especially when I could work without thinking about my financial situation. 

Thanks to my senior who introduced me to another senior from another lab. He was the one who gave me some important information regarding my thesis committee. He is also the one who adopted my fridge, winter coat, and microwave. He is also the one who helped me carry my stuffs from campus to the airport along with another girl who also came along but only my senior stayed 'till the next morning flight and helped me pack my stuffs.

Going back as a jobless person is not a good feeling. The pressure from within. Seeing your parents getting old, living with them and all the things they have to do 'till their rest of their life. Imagining how they will rot. I can't simply leave them, but I also can't simply live with. I don't belong here. The pressure from looking at your friends who already earned their experience since the day we earned our bachelor degree.

Friends.

I think in this 2.5 years, I still don't know how to make friends. I mean, at the very end, there are people who I consider as a friend but never want to disturb gave me a little parting gift. I don't know what to say. Is this how having friend feels like? What is the meaning of this? I mean, did I succeeded to make some real ones? 

I just don't understand kindness. But, thank you. For sparking some warmth in the cold heart of mine. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for the talks we had. Thank you for listening. See you when I see you. 

Manatsu

1st August. The last 71.3Km round-trip to Amakashi no Oka. Burnt my skin. Lol. This is also my personal record so far. Actually I never had such urge to ride in this heat but since this might be the last time that I can ever do that, so what choice did I have?

2nd August. Mitarai Valley trip with the new friend I made last month. 

Thesis defense by the end of this month. Moving out preparation. 

Emailed some companies, either no reply or plainly rejected. Pure bad luck? The reason is always simply 'not enough experience' where they don't even mention about it in their requirement. Just say that you are afraid to take risk in this current situation. I can understand that. It is happening globally anyway.

11 August. Went out with my new-made friend who was run out of rice. Sat in front of the 'einstein' building. Talked a little while and suddenly I saw the first shooting-star in my life. It was around 22:30 and soon after I knew that from 11-12 August there was a meteor shower! I felt so lucky. It looked like a bright object but gone in a flash.  

14 August. Went to Osaka to meet mid-school friend is currently a research student in Muroran, Hokkaido. He came to Kansai area during Obon holiday and the flight ticket was damn cheap (12k yen round-trip). Ate duck ramen Moeyo Mensuke near Fukushima station. Went to a dept store where he bought a shirt. Then we went together with 2 girls from my campus who were coincidentally went to Osaka around the same time. One of them is a postdoc researcher at Bio dept. The trip continued to shinsaibashi where we planned to eat at Cafe Bintang but unfortunately, it was closed. So we went to Saizeriya and got back together.

15 August. The long-awaited laptop finally delivered; Welcome home my custom Lenovo T14 Gen 1. This is my first ever AMD device. But the sad news is kissanime and kissmanga were finally taken down due to the copyright shit. Fuck you.

19 August. Another progress report group meeting. My co-supervisor asked me about the result of the previous additional result. I didn't put it in my presentation. Got a bad feeling. Went to the lab immediately since the data was in the laptop which turned itself off at critical moments. Sent the result that afternoon and also discussed with my supervisor. He told me to do another run with other feature. I hate to say this but I feel that it is not solving the whole problem. Asked my co-supervisor, she couldn't give any orders since the time is so limited. Understandable. Last resort, the big boss. He told me to do the full comparison with baseline method but the same input features used for the proposed method since the problem is there.

22-23 August. Worked my ass off to get the new additional result ASAP since it will affect my thesis conclusion. Got the result and reported to the big boss Monday afternoon. He told me to just put those into appendix of my presentation and update the thesis.

26 August. Got an email from the international office that the ticket might be delayed, thus I have to stay in Japan as a research student (again). That is if my lab or any other wants to take me in, otherwise? My other concern is that even though the offer is good (plus the campus would let me stay in the dorm) my willpower to do research has already been depleted. On the other note, the Professor might find it hard to keep a refugee for uncertain period of time since neither the international office nor the scholarship sponsor knows when they could obtain the flight. So why it is hard to the Professor you might ask. The reason lies within the workload of the project that they have to assign on me. 

28 August. Got the news from the international office that the big boss said that he agreed to let me refuge as a research student due to the current situation. Met him on that day to proceed with the application, and in the afternoon I heard that he was questioning my preparation for the thesis. I didn't realize what's lacking. But on Saturday, I sent my presentation slides to the committee as a form of feedback. Seriously, do I lack some sort of common sense? Lately I've been wondering.

29 August. I woke up in the morning with a terrible nightmare. So my brain replayed the scene when the big boss was signing the application for my special research student application. That time, the secretary asked for a clarification from him about how long should I work per week and her instinct was to follow the past application (back in 2018 when I was first came to Japan). The scene was truly as it was except the ending when the boss said "Sure, no problem." It was supposed to stop at that point, however I heard something like "As if he did his job." following the first sentence.

Later that afternoon, I took a nap wondering about what will happen during the defense because honestly I am still traumatized by what happened to me during the Go/No-Go presentation last time. I don't want that to happen and the truth is that thing is rarely happens in the lab. Most of the time the students will just graduate as it is. But that didn't happen in my case. I guess I'm really exceptional (in a bad term). In my dream I got a confirmation email from the thesis committee that my presentation already fine, but then I realized that it is too good to be true so I checked the email one more time to make sure, and yes. It was all a dream. 

So I spent the weekend terrified and drowned in anxiety. As I realized that it only takes 30 minutes to shatter everything I've done in the last 2.5 years. 

31 August. The thesis defense day. Went to the lab in the morning to have some rehearsal with my Thai friend. Spoke too fast, the second one I rehearsed it with my supervisor and one M2 student. Still too fast, but slightly better. There was a 10-minutes QnA session too. One thing that came to my mind that time is keep an open mind and respect the asker. Which is the complete opposite of the word 'defense'. the night before I spent some time to read how to handle the thesis defense. That night I realized that no one wants me to fail; They wanted me to succeed instead. So the term defense is not an appropriate word here to be honest. This might be the turn-point.

Lastly, on that day I asked another thesis committee to do quick-check my slide for a moment and added one slide to describe how I trained the model. That's it. Another 1.5 hour for self-rehearsal and it's my time. Luckily, it was as what that post said. Most of the questions are rather asking for clarification rather than the justification of the method or asking why I didn't do something.