I need somebody to love. Someone I can trust and have challenging ideas that we can talk about. After my past crush, I've never felt the pursuit like before. I can't really explain it well enough, but to put it into words, it was like I wanted to show myself as a dependable and responsible man. Someone who she could come and discuss anything anytime. I can take care of myself and so did she. I need that little 'push'. Meanwhile, I know that I'm still far from that point.
It is so hard to believe that up until now I need to be in love to achieve more. For instance, when I was in high school I was one of the laziest and low achieving student, I had no dreams, mostly I just merely did something that I think it was cool that time. Until I met my ex, who was definitely did better than me. So I started to pay more attention in classes and did my best in math and science subjects. It feels almost magical that I could achieve it if I imagine how my life would be in case I didn't fall in love with her in the first place.
So now, as a graduate student, I need to be in
love with someone who I can look up to while challenging myself to achieve more than I can imagine. But finding that kind of person is somehow becoming more and more difficult. At my current situation, any girl that has those criterions are almost focusing only to herself, no time for a shitty person like me, or has been taken for sure. :)
Then again when I'm alone I ask myself again and again;
"Do you really want to deal with the risk of rejection and all those dramas?"
"Ahh, look at that happy couples again. Sweet, ain't it?"
In the end, I always choose to be alone. Alone is the safest way to enjoy my mid-20. I can do whatever I want. I can have all the time in the world for myself. I can do things the way I want. I can go wherever and whenever I want to. Sweet! I can sleep whenever I want, as much as I want, I don't have to deal with annoying people who ask to go out somewhere in the weekend when I want to be a bed burrito, I can work from dawn and sleep after lunch, I don't have to think about what to give or plan for special occasions. FREEDOM!
The thing is pretty simple actually. Do you want to be with someone who always points out the bad things they find on you or the opposite? It is not like I hate to be criticized in fact, I'm very happy if someone does give their honest opinion about things that could make my future better, but seriously,
only complaining doesn't do much good on me.
***
June is when the sun peeks into my room at 4.15 in the morning and burn my pillow in the next 45 minutes. This month, something crazy happened in the first 2 weeks. Remember my post from last month? Yes. That classmate of mine.
So I think it started when her BF's father passed away and he had to go back to his hometown for 2 weeks. I noticed that she looked a bit off than usual and she told me that she had to book the ticket for her BF flight the night before. We didn't talk much of the details that time since I don't want her to break out in front of me in the middle of the class.
The following week we had an exam for the machine learning class. I studied together with other 3 Thai people including her. Bruh, I didn't really know what to study at that time since I already predicted what kind of questions will appear before us to solve within 90 mins. In fact, I have to lower down my worries since it was an introductory class, which means that the level of difficulty should not be that hard (unless I don't understand a single shit which is impossible. I have my pride as CompSci grad!) Hahahaha
The following night after the examination day, she invited me to had dinner in her room. We ate the tomyum. In the end, she was drunk. She showed me all the collections of her perfumes from her BF. That's the first time for me getting my hand on something so expensive. She also made green Thai curry. The taste was so similar to something I often ate back in my home country.
2 days after that we went to Lamu in the afternoon to buy some ingredients for Korean fried chicken. She fell down in front of Aeon illegal bike park because she couldn't see well in the dark. lesson learned. We made it on Saturday and Sunday since we bought a lot of chicken.
On Saturday, I went to her room again. This time we ate green curry. That night, she got a little drunk but not for too long. However, she choked me down a glass of whiskey, believing it was a good one that will not make me drunk. Hell fucking no! I know my limit I couldn't go back. So I just slept there and that night, as my consciousness faded out I believe I did something terrible. She woke me up with a terrified face telling me that I was trying to rape her while I was totally confused. WTF.
The next Monday she invited me again to have grilled pork with some sauce after Data Mining class. I was so busy that day because new interns were going to give intro talk before the seminar. On Wednesday that week, I went to Lamu again to buy pork shoulder for her and some milk.
It was almost time to apply for Germany visa because I have to go there for my research poster presentation in 23-28 July. However, by the time I checked for the appointment slot, there were no empty slots available until July 30. I tried to call them but nobody picked up and my email also didn't get any reply. In short, 21 June I went to Germany consulate in Osaka for visa application without appointment beforehand. The officer said that I still have to make an appointment at any available slots and send them an email to reschedule it for a good reason. I got back to campus only to find that my bike almost thrown by Lawson for illegal parking. Just my bad luck.
So the next day I got an email from the consulate that my appointment (I select 6 August since it is the closest available. Crazy, no?) has been rescheduled to the next day in the morning. Everything went well and you know what, the visa finished amazingly fast. I choose to use their visa delivery (using kuroneko. It costs 907 yen) and it was delivered to my doorstep in just 2 days. Bruh!
Another good news is another paper got accepted! So I am going to Graz, Austria this mid September! Woohoo~
That's how my June. So many things happened, eh?
