Do You Know?

It has been almost two years since then. A point where I start constantly thinking about killing myself in one way or another. I just wanted to end it no matter what. The loneliness that lingers. Scared to talk to others about my problem as I can't find anyone I can trust. Not even my best friend. 

I can't blame her for what happened to me since it is all in my mind but still. How can you overcome loneliness? No matter where I am, this thing entails me wherever I go. Not that I have no friends. I just have nobody that I can trust fully anymore. Some things I just keep it inside, piled it up, afraid to be seen by others as they might judge instead of help.

In this place, somewhere which I can't even speak the language. I just can nod and smile. All these times, I only see people with themselves. How can they live like that? How can they overcome this thing that haunts me? Somebody. Can you listen another little voice whenever I tried to talk to you? Can you feel my feet trembles begging for your attention. Or can you hear me crying out for anyone just to give me a warm hug and just be there?

Why I become like this. 

It a good day like this. Which I suppose to enjoy. Things that I have with all my sacrifices don't even make me happy. Why do I feel so empty. Am I missing something? I'm afraid about what will happen after I graduate. Not that I don't want to work, but is it a right decision? Sure to continue is the easiest way to do. But is this what I really want? Or I just losing my mind a little each day?

Just what am I supposed to do?!

M1 Student First Month Report

I started my master study earlier this month. Our lab got one student from my country who were an intern last year and next year there might be another two coming if their scholarship got accepted. So far everything goes well enough. The temperature is dropping in the evening and I could easily feel cold in the early morning. The sun still shines, but the breeze is crazy cold.

This month also the month of minimum expense. I already calculated everything and it turned out that I only spent around 35K yen this month. There were nothing much to tell this month though. All I have are classes and lab. Not much time to go anywhere else, or rather I lost my will to go anywhere since my research produces weird result. Hhhh~

On the third week this month, from Saturday and Sunday there were no internet and electricity. It was an annual thing to do here I heard. So rather than doing nothing, I spend my Saturday cycling to Byodoin. The temple you can see on the back of 10 yen coin.

Since I got my new bike I have much confidence to go further and further I don't know why. It just feel safe and somehow satisfying. The distance from my campus is ~30Km, so it was around ~60Km round-trip. However, on that day, my knee hurt so bad. It was like stinging from the inside.

I think this one is because I haven't fully recovered from the 50Km trip last month. I can hardly move my right leg and I can't walk up-down the stairs. So because the pain is too intense and I feel this is something I can't ignore, I went to my campus health center. They gave me a patch to reduce the pain. This time I won't go cycling for a month or so.

As for my paper, nope. I won't submit it this year. The result is too weird.

That's all. Ah, and the leaves color started to change. Welcome autumn.